Does anyone have an Emily Post book laying around?

I woke my husband up slightly before 5 am to ask him a pressing "etiquette" question and he was absolutely, totally no help whatsoever.

Obviously he has nas not been brushing up on his Emily Post or Miss Manners reading.

He seemed, in fact, slightly annoyed that I interrupted his beauty sleep yet again.

But it was important.

And I couldn't wait.

I had this dream last night that my husband died.

It wasn't a bad dream.

It was just kind of one of those technicolor dreams where you are watching yourself go through the event.

But anyway.

There he was.

Dead.

And I was planning his funeral. And I couldn't find Emily Post to ask this important question.

Do you invite ex-spouses to a funeral?

Seriously.

Don't laugh at me.

I need to know this.

I was a Girl Scout once and I know all about the importance of planning ahead.

So, like, if your spouse and his ex had kids together but they are not on good terms do you invite the ex for the sake of the children?

Or if they were married for a super brief period when they were young and dumb but they didn't have children do you invite that spouse?

Or if you don't like the ex even though there aren't hard feelings between the dead spouse and the ex-spouse do you have to invite them?

So I asked my husband all these questions.

It was kind of dark in the bedroom...being slightly before 5 am and all.

But I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me.

Right after he sighed.

And glared.

"I won't care," he said, "I will be dead. Now go back to sleep."

"Well, I'll care," I said, "and if you can't discuss this it really shows me what I suspected all along to be true." And I turned over huffily.

So he woke up then and said in a defeated tone of voice, "Shows you what?"

But I didn't answer because I was snubbing him.

"Jenny? Shows you what?" He said again.

"Never mind," I sniffed, "it doesn't matter...I'll just carry on when you're dead EVEN though you are obviously still in love with your exes!"

I can't even type the sound of disgust he made when I stated what is obviously a true fact.

You see the logic here, right? I know you do. How can husbands be so dense sometimes?

So he made that "grswhfupft" sound and I just said "never mind, I am just going to get up...I can't talk about this, it is too painful!"

And I got up into the chilly dark house and left the cozy, warm bed in a huff of temper. That'll teach him to be so difficult.

As I was leaving the bedroom, though, I thought I heard him mutter "just kill me now!"

Which is obviously the whole problem.

If I were to actually "kill him now" then would I be expected to invite the exes?

Seriously.

My life is so complicated.

And really...where is Emily Post and Miss Manners when you need them, by the way?

Sigh.

Hmmm.... I think everyone is taking this seriously. This is just a little black humor post. Don't worry about me, sweet readers! Just laugh! And have a happy day! Besides, my husband only needs 2.2 hours of sleep per night...so he is just fine and dandy.