Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Sssshhh...don't tell the Squash Council...

...about my Great Nephew Henry's complete disdain for the vegetable.

video


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Monday, July 30, 2012

World's. Smallest. Black. Eye.


I have a black eye.

Okay.

Technically it is still kind of in the dark red stage.

I don't even know where I got it.  It happened sometime between 3:12 and 3:14 pm.   I'm certain of the time because I went into the bathroom, took my contact out because it felt uncomfortable, rinsed it and put it back in.  I didn't have the world's smallest black eye at that time.

A minute later, my contact was still bugging me so I went back into the bathroom...

AND...

You guessed it?

The World's. Smallest. Black. Eye.

This morning I asked Mr. Jenny to take a picture of it so I could show you. 

"Why?" he asked.

"Why what?"

"Why do you want me to take a picture of your eye?"

"Geez.   Because it's cool. Don't you think it's cool?"

Mr. Jenny replied, "Ummm...not really.  Why don't you write about taking the Grandlittles to the zoo OR your welding class OR seeing Judie and her husband in Tucson OR..."

"Stop talking," I instructed Mr. Jenny firmly.  "Stop talking and take a picture of my eye."

"But WHY?"

"Because I have a really cute title for the picture...that's why."

"What's the title?" Mr. Jenny enquired.

"World's.  Smallest.   Black.  Eye.   Cute, right?"

I love Mr. Jenny.  Heaven knows I do but sometimes he just doesn't 'get it', but he's still a good sport about things.

"Okay.   Stand over there so I can take a picture of your eye.   Oh.   Excuse me.   So I can take a picture of the World's. Smallest. Black. Eye."

So he did.

And here it is!











...

...

See?

Cool, right?

Oh.

And...

You're welcome!

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Saturday, July 28, 2012

Saturday Centus - Please Remit

 Jenny Matlock
Welcome to week ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN of Saturday Centus.

Hey! Did you notice?  I'm catching up on my visits!   Go me!



The prompt this week is:  " PLEASE REMIT YOUR PAYMENT PROMPTLY!'
Number of words: 100 words PLUS the five words of the prompt.   105 maximum word total.
Style of writing: Any
Pictures: Any

The regular restrictions apply: PG, no splitting of the prompt, play nicely and visit the other entries, any style or genre of writing you prefer. Please display my link button or just a hyper-link back to Saturday Centus. Be careful to link your SC URL to the Linky and not just link to your main blog.

E-mail me directly with ???'s or ask your question in a comment and I will do my best to get back to you as soon as possible.

Feel free to link up anytime between now and next Saturday.





Friday, July 27, 2012

Will you remember me?

I sit in the sun like an old cat.

The reddish-gold glow through my closed eyelids is comforting.

I feel a memory flit through my mind.

  I squint my brain…thinking, thinking.

What is it?

What is it that I remember?

That bossy nurse lady comes by and shakes me.

“Rose? Rose? Wake up! It’s time for Bingo!”

I slit open my eyes the tiniest bit, but ignore her.

Who cares about bingo anyway?

I close my eyes…searching again for the memory.

Instead, a flavor comes to mind.

Birthday party flavor.

Is it my birthday?

Will any of my children remember this year?

This little story is linked to week 116 of Saturday Centus.   The prompt is in bold.

To read other stories using this prompt, just click here.

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Acccckk! The pressure to be cool...

alas...

...does not diminish when we get older.

Seriously.

How is an old Grandma like me supposed to keep up with all the hand signals the 'cool' kids use?

Growing up we only knew one hand signal.

And it was the one that would get us grounded if we ever used it around our parents.

I'm certain you know the one to which I am referring.

However...

This week I started school shopping with Grandlittles.

The middle girl got to go first this year.

We went to the mall.

After trying on 23 pairs of shorts that looked EXACTLY alike (Seriously.  How can they even tell the difference?), we finally ended up at the $5 photo booth.

We took three silly pictures and on the fourth and final picture, my Grandlittle said, 'Grandma! Call me! Call me!" and held up her fingers in a 'call me' hand signal.

I thought I did pretty good.



Apparently, at least according to Riley... I did not!

She and her sisters had an uproarious laugh over my botched 'call me' hand signal.

I was quick with an explanation, though.   I told them my hand signal was the latest and coolest one and it meant 'call me OR text me OR IM me!' but they didn't buy it.

They didn't buy it in the slightest.

Geez.

Trying to be a  cool Grandma is so exhausting.

And hey, if you want to call me OR text me or IM me to discuss it...

...just use the new hand signal.

Okay?

Sigh...
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Thursday, July 26, 2012

Painted Alphabet - Letter J

Hello!  Today I have 3 J's to share!   One is kinda/sorta the same sign, but I wanted to do it in a slightly more primitive style.   And the little one has glitter!   Woo!  Pretty!    

J




15 x 16


6 x 15

No stencils.   No stickers.  Handpainted with my own layout.

You can see other signs in this series by clicking on 'Painted
Alphabet' in my sidebar.

Thanks for stopping by.   To visit other links to the letter "J", just click here!

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Click here for my Etsy store.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Alphabe-Thursday Letter J


Good morning class. Welcome to round five of Alphabe-Thursday!

Today we will be juggling the letter:


Please link directly to your Alphabe-Thursday URL (if you don't know how to do this let me know!) and please continue to visit the five links before and after your link and leave a comment. Minimum of 10 links visited please. You can visit more if you like, of course.

I am still behind visiting but working my way through the letter "H" right now.  I promise I will be by as soon as I can.

If you have any difficulties with your link, please make sure to include the number of the link when you e-mail me. It is really difficult for me to find you easily otherwise.

If you have any questions about Alphabe-Thursday or problems doing your link just post it in a comment or send me an e-mail. I'll do my best to help you as quickly as I can.

The McLinkey will be live from 1:00 pm MST time Wednesday afternoon in an effort to assist our lovely "friends across the pond" and continue through 10:00 am MST time Friday morning!

And remember.... link back to this post, you need to be registered as a follower of my blog, PG posts only, and visit at least 10 other students (perhaps the 5 students before and after your post). The links will stay live after the final post deadline has passed so you can even wait and visit over the weekend or whenever you have more time.

Please jump up and post your letter "J" now!

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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Poly WHAT!?!

Who knew that there are really houses where a bunch of wives and kids live together with one husband...

In harmony...

Or not.

Sister wives.  For real.

Who knew?

I'll be honest.

I wouldn't mind having Brother Husbands...

That would be a whole different thing, really...

You know...

Chef Husband, Masseuse Husband, Cleaning Husband, Repair Husband and few other guys for ....ummm...  assorted other things...

BUT...

I digress.

Today I went into a house being remodeled by some people I know previously owned by a Polygamist who lost his house in a foreclosure...



There were 18 bedrooms.

Eighteen.

Mostly teensy, weensy little bedrooms...like cells in a jail.

There was a very luxe master suite area that kinda/sorta made me queasy.

All those teensy/weensy little bedrooms and THAT GREAT BIG MASTER SUITE.

There was a great big bathroom in the great big master suite.

And two or three other teensy, weensy little bathrooms scattered elsewhere through the confusing maze of the rest of the house.

Eighteen.

Bedrooms.

Two or three bathrooms.

A GREAT BIG MASTER SUITE AND BATHROOM.

I dunno.

Had I been living in that house I would have had to stage a revolt to overthrow the inequality in housing arrangements.

I would have had to make posters saying stuff like "There is no 'me' in polygamy!"  "Worker bees...sting back!"  "Just say NO to polygamy!"

Had I been living in that house I would have had to...

Oh, heck.

Who am I kidding.

A polygamist guy would never have picked me anyway to part of his...ummm...polygamy thing.

I'm too loud.

Too outspoken.

Too unwilling to follow the whims of a polygamy master person.

And living in one of those teensy, weensy bedrooms would have given me claustrophobia.

It makes me sad and mad and just plain hostile to think of women and children in this situation.

Eighteen teensy, weensy bedrooms.

ONE GREAT BIG MASTER SUITE.

Just.

Ickkkk!

Because I'm so 'icked out', I'm gonna abandon the whole plural husband idea and just stick with Mr. Jenny.  After all, he does grill a mean hot dog, rub lotion on my feet to be sweet, and vacuum.  Okay.  He's not that great at repairing things, true, but he is good at many...ummm...other things.

AND...

He never, ever, ever tries to make me sleep in the teensy/weensy little bedroom.  

I always get to share the great big master suite with him!  Just me and him...

...every.

...single.

...night.

Sigh...

PS.   True story.  I went there today.   And, yes, I feel awful to think of anyone living in a situation like this.  So sad to think of being lost like that in the midst of millions of people.
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Monday, July 23, 2012

I have crossed over to the dark side.


Sad.

But true.

This is  no longer a PG blog.

But, hey, I'm all about staying current...

...and this is no longer a PG world.

One of the last bastions of civility and PG-ness has gone over  to the dark side.  

I now find myself compass-less and I can no longer resist the pull to use sexual inuendo as entertainment.

Apparently, according to the Food Network anyway, food that is amazing is now known to give you a 'foodgasm'.

'Foodgasm'.

Geez.

Heaven knows I've had some serious food moments over the years, but I never, ever considered those moments 'Harry Met Sally' 'foodgasms'.   You know that movie, right?   You know what I'm talking about, right?



Early one morning last week, I awoke Mr. Jenny to tell him about Food Network using a new "F" word.

He did not see the urgency in the conversation.

He did not recognize that the Food Network has, officially, stepped over the line of sacred PG-ness into the dark decay of STANDARD TV PROGRAMMING!

"What's next?" I inquired passionately at 2:52 AM.  "Is the Hallmark Network going to start running ads for Lumber Liquidators informing you their wood products will give you a 'FLOORGASM'?!!!!"



Mr. Jenny didn't answer.  I think he had gone back to sleep.

I poked him awake again. because, hey, this was an important conversation.

"OR," I questioned ominously, "Are malls going to advertise "STOREGASMS" OR high school algebra classes use the word "BOREGASM!" in their class descriptions!?!"

"Go ahead," Mr. Jenny said in a soft, sleepy voice.

"Go ahead and what?"

"Go ahead and do all the letters of the alphabet so we can both go back to sleep."

So...

I did.

Coregasm, doorgasm, eeyoregasm, goregasm, loregasm, moregasm, poregasm, snoregasm...blah,blah, blah.

I hate to air our personal laundry here, but I'm pretty certain somewhere between poregasm and snoregasm, Mr. Jenny had one.


Ha!  Haha!   That was funny.  

Right?

So I just lay in the dark thinking about this.

And...

Gosh.  

There's a lot of 'gasms' in the alphabet, aren't there?   And those are only the rhyming ones.

Geez.

Geez.

I'm sorry to subject you to this non PG post...

BUT!!!

I figured you'd want to know what was happening in the world.

And I figured, of course, you'd want to go along on my tangent through this.

...

...

I hope I figured right.

Right?

It's just that you're ominously silent.

Uh oh.

You're not having a 'madgasm' are you?

Or an 'eyerollingasm'?

Hee hee.

Sighgasm...

PS.  I promise I have gotten this out of my system and shall write of it no  more.

PPS.  Agreegasm?

PPPS.  I lied.  Sorry.

PPPPS.   Gasm.

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Saturday, July 21, 2012

 Jenny Matlock
Welcome to week ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN of Saturday Centus.

I'm home!  I have a new computer installed!   I can't figure it out!   So I'm still behind!   BUT I really, truly haven't forgotten visiting you!



The prompt this week is:  " BIRTHDAY PARTY FLAVOR!'
Number of words: 100 words PLUS the three words of the prompt.   103 maximum word total.
Style of writing: Any
Pictures: Any

The regular restrictions apply: PG, no splitting of the prompt, play nicely and visit the other entries, any style or genre of writing you prefer. Please display my link button or just a hyper-link back to Saturday Centus. Be careful to link your SC URL to the Linky and not just link to your main blog.

E-mail me directly with ???'s or ask your question in a comment and I will do my best to get back to you as soon as possible.

Feel free to link up anytime between now and next Saturday.


 


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Painted I's

Hello!  Today I have 5 I's to share with you!   Some of these were gifts, but I'm going to show them here anyway!  I hope you find them intriquing. 

I

12" x 12"

 6" x 12"

12" x 12"


24" x 24"


15" x 16"

No stencils.   No stickers.  Handpainted with my own layout.

You can see other signs in this series by clicking on 'Painted
Alphabet' in my sidebar.

Thanks for stopping by.   To visit other links to the letter "I", just click here!
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Click Here for my Etsy store.
 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Alphabe-Thursday Letter I



Good morning class. Welcome to round five of Alphabe-Thursday!

Today we will be improvising about the letter:



Please link directly to your Alphabe-Thursday URL (if you don't know how to do this let me know!) and please continue to visit the five links before and after your link and leave a comment. Minimum of 10 links visited please. You can visit more if you like, of course.

I also want to let you know that I am behind on visiting blogs due to technical difficulties (hee hee!) and vacation...but I am catching up! 

If you have any difficulties with your link, please make sure to include the number of the link when you e-mail me. It is really difficult for me to find you easily otherwise.

If you have any questions about Alphabe-Thursday or problems doing your link just post it in a comment or send me an e-mail. I'll do my best to help you as quickly as I can.

The McLinkey will be live from 1:00 pm MST time Wednesday afternoon in an effort to assist our lovely "friends across the pond" and continue through 10:00 am MST time Friday morning!

And remember.... link back to this post, you need to be registered as a follower of my blog, PG posts only, and visit at least 10 other students (perhaps the 5 students before and after your post). The links will stay live after the final post deadline has passed so you can even wait and visit over the weekend or whenever you have more time.

Please inspire us with your letter "I" post now!

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Windy hand...


So...

Since we got back from our road trip I've had hand tremors.

Strange ones.

Bad ones.

I think if you put one of those silver milkshake maker metal thingy-s in my hand, I could have made you a tasty shake.



But...

You're on your own now for milkshake making.

BECAUSE...

I went to the acupuncturist today and she told me I have a windy hand.

Hmmm...

I was suspicious.

And doubtful.

But she stuck four needles in my abdomen and three or four in my shaky hand...

Along with all the regular needles...

AND...

Guess what?

My hand is just barely breezy now.

I mean...if my hand was a curtain it wouldn't even wiggle in the wind.


Strange story...but 100 % true!

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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I used to be smarter.


I used to be a whiz at technology.

Hey.

Don't roll your eyes.

It's true.

Or at least I thought I was.

When we got back from vacation, my desktop computer had been fried.

In a bad way.

Not in a tasty way with golden brown tempura batter and some kind of tasty, caloric dip.



Mr. Jenny took it to our computer repair guy.

The computer guy said, "Hmmm...your computer is fried."

He, however, did not make any reference to food.

Probably why he's skinny and I'm not.

Sigh.

However.

He did say he could move things from the hard-drive...and Mr. Jenny assured me my computer would be just the same when everything was transferred over.

So Mr. Jenny spent wayyyy too much time looking at Best Buy ads, searching on-line, etc. to find the perfect computer for me.

The tech guy did his transfer thing.

Mr. Jenny hooked it up for me.

Mr. Jenny lied.

"What is all this weird stuff on my computer?" I asked.

"That's all your stuff," he said.

"This isn't all my stuff!   Where are my programs?   Where is Outlook Express?   Where is Dreamweaver?  Where is publisher?   Where is..."

Mr. Jenny interrupted me.  "All the software from your old computer is obsolete.   This is the new software for the same thing."

"This isn't the same stuff as my old computer!" I shouted in panic.  "Nothing is the same!   How do I even get e-mails?   What is going on!  You told me it would be the same!   This is going to fry my brain!"




Yeah.   I'm all kinds of calm in panic-type situations.

Or...perhaps not.

So I very politely asked Mr. Jenny to close the door to my office and give me some time alone with my new computer.

I am always polite when I am feeling extremely hostile.

Aren't you?

So far I have resisted throwing the computer through the window.

So far I have resisted taking a hammer to it.

So far I have resisted not googling new and more creative swear words to express my displeasure.

BUT, I ask you...

Whyohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy do people have to screw around with software?

Version 1.0 works perfectly fine.

Whyohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy are we so dependent on our computers that when they crash we can't even find addresses?

Geez.

Geez.

I'm thinking I might have to go back to the old way of doing things.

You know.

Letters with stamps.   Ledger sheets.  Adding machines.  Address books with 40 re-written addresses under each person I know.  Typing on a computer.

Hmmm...

Hmmm...

Okay.

Maybe I am overreacting just a little bit.

Maybe new software versions are a good thing.

Maybe the old way is too hard.

But the newest way?

Geez.

I think it would be easier, though,  if I was as smart as I used to be on my old computer.

Sigh.

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Saturday, July 14, 2012

 Jenny Matlock

Welcome to week ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN of Saturday Centus.

I'm home!   I'm a bit behind visiting links, but I will catch up as soon as I get my main computer problem resolved.  My little red laptop is difficult to do much on, but just know I haven't forgotten your previous weeks links!r

The prompt this week is:  Wait!  There's more!'  
Number of words: 100 words PLUS the three words of the prompt.   103 maximum word total.
Style of writing: Any
Pictures: Any


The regular restrictions apply: PG, no splitting of the prompt, play nicely and visit the other entries, any style or genre of writing you prefer. Please display my link button or just a hyper-link back to Saturday Centus. Be careful to link your SC URL to the Linky and not just link to your main blog.

E-mail me directly with ???'s or ask your question in a comment and I will do my best to get back to you as soon as possible.

Feel free to link up anytime between now and next Saturday.



Friday, July 13, 2012

He did. She did.

This strange little poem is linked to week 114 of Saturday Centus.  The prompt is in bold! To read other offerings, just click here.




He said, "I'm sick! I'm going to bed."

She said, "Is it your stomach? Is it your head?"

He said, "I'm planning not to die."

She said, "Oh sigh! That makes me cry."

He said, "Oh geez! Compassion please!"

She said, "I'm waiting! We'll just see!"

He said, "Thank you, for not being mad!"

She said, "You're a cheater! It makes me sad!"

He said, "Thank you for forgiving me!"

She said, "I didn't! I poisoned your tea!"



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(WEDNESDAY)


It was cold out.


Shivery cold.


I fumbled just a bit with the heater in the car.  Living in Arizona, we rarely use it.  But Wednesday morning was 47 degrees at our friend's home up on a mountain on the California coast forest primeval.


47 is darned cold for an Arizona desert girl. 65 degrees colder than home.


We drove off the mountain along a curving, narrow road weaving through towering redwood trees and wispy fog.



We drove off the mountain saddened to leave ocean breezes and the scent of eucalyptus and jasmine.


What a wonderful conclusion to a week long road trip.


Mr. Jenny and I drove the agricultural countryside and talked about our lovely California stop...


Walking and talking in the early morning along the ocean with the joyous distraction of conversation and watching surfers brave the frigid water...


Spending time with old friends and the discovery of putting a lovely face to a beautiful blog friend…


How gracious our hosts were when Mr. Jenny came down with a violent attack of food poisoning…


We chatted.


We took turns driving.


We finally finished listening to all 10 tapes of the John Grisham book.


I am 75 miles from home now.


The outside temperature gage goes up as the atmosphere becomes super-heated by summer in Arizona.


I am excited to be going home.


Excited to see Oskie, the weiner dog…


Excited to see my own bed.


I am too excited to have the patience to write much more on my teensy laptop keyboard,  but I shall close this with a few important facts I learned along the way.


Do NOT stare at Target trucks when you have been driving for a long time. Those red and white circles are oddly hypnotizing and will make you sleepy…very, very sleepy.


It IS possible to make a giant spider using a wrecked Volkswagon bug as a spider head IF you can weld and you have lots and lots of rebar to make giant spider legs out of.


A retractable backscratcher that looks like a miniature purple rake is a very handy tool to take on a trip. Not only can you scratch your back, you can turn down the radio without trying to move your trip-paralyzed-butt. Buy one. They're cool.


Trying to sing the alphabet song in various foreign accents is quite interesting. My accent repertoire is pretty limited, but I did manage to attempt it in Indian, Spanish, French, English and Texan. My best rendition, though, was quite possibly not a foreign accent at all, but rather a Gregorian chant.


61 miles from home. 108 degrees.


PUSHING 51 HOURS OF ROAD TRIP.


(FRIDAY)


We arrived home yesterday to a very happy weiner dog and a tidy house. I love our house/dog sitter!


I do not love the fact that my office computer was fried when I tried to turn it on.


Our computer guys tells us the motherboard is gone, but the hard drive is intact.


I am working on my sweet little red laptop in the interim which is…ummm…oddly crabbiness inducing. No programs, no files, different software, hates my wireless connection and wah, wah, wah...

BUT...

I will be by to visit everyone as soon as I we pick up a new computer and all the data and programs are moved.

I'm sorry I can't share any pictures with you but I can't download AND Mr. Jenny is acting like he's behind on work so I can't borrow HIS computer.


Like I told you...


Wah, Wah, Wah....



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Painted H's

Hello!  Today I have two "H's" to share.

H





No stencils.   No stickers.  Handpainted with my own layout.

You can see other signs in this series by clicking on 'Painted
Alphabet' in my sidebar.


Thanks for stopping by.   To visit other links to the letter "H", just click here.

post signature

Click here for my Etsy store.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Alphabe-Thursday Letter H


Good morning class. Welcome to round five of Alphabe-Thursday!

Today we will be happily discussing the letter:



Please link directly to your Alphabe-Thursday URL (if you don't know how to do this let me know!) and please continue to visit the five links before and after your link and leave a comment. Minimum of 10 links visited please. You can visit more if you like, of course.

I also want to let you know that each week I visit every blog. If it appears I haven't visited your blog by the following Thursday morning, please let me know!

If you have any difficulties with your link, please make sure to include the number of the link when you e-mail me. It is really difficult for me to find you easily otherwise.

If you have any questions about Alphabe-Thursday or problems doing your link just post it in a comment or send me an e-mail. I'll do my best to help you as quickly as I can.

The McLinkey will be live from 1:00 pm MST time Wednesday afternoon in an effort to assist our lovely "friends across the pond" and continue through 10:00 am MST time Friday morning!

And remember.... link back to this post, you need to be registered as a follower of my blog, PG posts only, and visit at least 10 other students (perhaps the 5 students before and after your post). The links will stay live after the final post deadline has passed so you can even wait and visit over the weekend or whenever you have more time.

Please hop over and post your letter "H" now!

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