For the love of all that is holy...

...how do you people get your eyebrows waxed?

Seriously.

I did it for the first time on Tuesday.

And I didn't like it.

I go to this estheticians school where you can get tortured, poked and prodded for just a few bucks. Normally I just get facials trying to enhance my normal youthful glow.

Cough.

OK, let me rephrase that. Normally I just get facials trying to FIND ANY KIND OF GLOW WHATSOEVER!

There! Are you happy now? I told the truth.

So...

My student finished up my facial and then told me that she needed to do one more eyebrow wax for graduation and could she do it on me?

She looked really intently at my eyebrows making me wonder if somehow I had missed seeing this......in the mirror every morning.

But, she was a cute, little thing. And she had big, serious blue eyes, and she looked so sweet (now I can see how guys fall for that crap!)

So I said yes.

She scampered off immediately in a graceful, bambi-like way to return with a few things hidden behind her back. Actually I don't know if they were hidden. I was just keeping my eyes tightly closed in meditation...trying to prepare for the procedure.

So I said, "will this hurt?" and she pushed my eyebrows around a bit and said "weee-ellll, your eyebrows aren't very hairy ... so, no, it probably won't hurt as much."

Have you had this done?

First they put this scalding wax on your eyebrow and then they push some kind of a strip down on top of it. Hard. And then.

Then.

Then...they tell you take a breath and rip the strip thing off along with the wax and your hair.

For a moment I was so stunned that I didn't even make a sound.

All the air in the Universe was gone.

And then I squawked! Very loudly!

And the little thing jumped and said, "did that hurt?"

I was speechless.

I exhaled.

Then she said, "OK, now we'll wax the top of the brow," and before I knew it she threw more of that scalding wax on and ripped more hair from my body.

Holy stinging pain.

Holy wanting to slug her.

I told her, "let's just stop, seriously...I can just shave them off and draw some on...it'll be fine..." She disagreed. Not only did she disagree she leaned over to whisper, "I need to finish this eyebrow wax so I can get my final grade."

Well, seriously. Did I look like someone that cared? The area around my eyebrow was throbbing and burning.

But she looked at me with those big blue eyes again so dang it...I said, "fine but be gentler this time."

After she finished the second eyebrow I realized it really didn't matter if she finished school or not because I think she could get a job immediately as an interogator of bad people. Easily. I would have told her anything to make her stop the torture...including my weight.

She rubbed some "soothing" gel on afterwards which sure didn't soothe me much.

And she did say that I would forget about it by the time I got home.

Liar.

Sure, my eyebrows look all tidy and neat but, really, who ever even looks at eyebrows.

And do you think it is normal for my eyes to twitch violently when they see a roll of tape of any kind.

When I got the can of floor wax out they started twitching so badly I had to put the can away. Does that seem right to you?

Or will it be like childbirth?

You know...how you forget the pain the minute you hold your sweet baby in your arms.

And now, come to think of it, I clearly remember all three childbirths...and they hurt...

So next time I don't care what reason Taniqua-Shawn-Barbie gives me.

Nobody is torturing my delicate eyebrows again.

She did tell me bikini waxing was less painful.

But somehow, I don't think I believe her.

Sigh.