Oh, he acted all innocent when I opened my Christmas gift.
He smiled cheerfully as I admired the shiny, bright red case of the sweet little laptop.
He was a sly one.
I didn't catch on until Sunday afternoon what he was up to.
There I was, sitting outside in the breezy afternoon, reading Saturday Centus links when...
whzzzz...brrrrrrr....bzzzzzzz...
I got bombed.
I jumped up and screamed. Loudly. Because I'm pretty sure my neighbors always enjoy when I do that.
I couldn't figure out what was making that whzzzzzz noise for a second and then I saw them...
Two, gigantic hummingbirds...
Seriously. I mean they were totally huge! And those little beaks are mighty long and pointy when you see them up close and personal.
At first I figured they were just passing by the covered patio, but after I sat back down again, it happened again almost immediately.
They were attracted to the bright red of the laptop case.
I finally had to go inside. It was frightening I tell ya.
Now, before you go defending Mr. Jenny, I need to tell you something else.
A few years ago I had a hot pink shirt. One day I spilled something on it...no, I don't remember what I spilled...I'm sure it was something tasty though.
Where am I going with this?
Geez. Hold on. This is an important part of my attempted homicide explanation, so hold your horses.
Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah, hot pink shirt...ummm.... ummm...
Okay. Yeah. Now I remember. So, I couldn't wear the hot pink shirt in public in anymore because of the giant stain on my left ummm... cha cha, so I converted it to a gardening shirt. Once.
The first time I wore it outside, I was almost knocked over by an entire, vicious flock of hummingbirds. Okay. Maybe there were only five but those suckers are fast so it was hard to count them.
For the sake of illustration you will need to pretend that this hand is my head...
See how scary this is?
I rest my case.
Oh.
Yeah, okay. It might help if I tell you the rest of the story.
Ahem.
Mr. Jenny was well aware of what happened because from that point on, I refused to wear pink or red anywhere near the garden.
Seriously.
I had to throw the almost perfectly good pink shirt away.
At Christmas Mr. Jenny specifically said...AND I QUOTE...'I thought you would like taking this laptop outside to write."
See? See?
He's trying to kill me, I tell ya.
I'm not sure, but I think he increased the amount of my life insurance the first of this year, too!
So...If if you hear on 20/20 or 60 minutes or something that in an odd case of bird assault that an Arizona woman encountered 'death by hummingbird', please turn this blog post into the police IMMEDIATELY so they can arrest him.
And now I have to stay inside to write because homicide by hummingbird attack is NEVER a laughing matter.
...
...
Sigh...
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PS. I think the humming birds really come to visit because our garden is wonderful this time of year!
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43 comments:
Oh Mr. Jenny....how could you do this to your wife!!!! What a horrible attack...I will keep my eyes peeled for all reports of attacks on innocent women by these vicious birds!!!!
Now....that garden is stunning...oh how I want to come sit a spell with you....even in the danger of being attacked by birds...I just want to come take in all the beauty!!!
You are so blessed...ENJOY!!!!
Wishing you a Marvelous Monday!!! Love ya sweet friend!!!
I like your blog!...Daniel
The horror of it all! This is the perfect argunment for why "til death do us part" should be removed from the wedding vows.
I'll trade you humdrum city fauna for those killer hummingbirds any time! ;-P
My husband has used the cat as an accomplice in my attempted demise...perhaps Mr. Jenny had first solicited help from the hummingbirds, and the feathered beasts recommended the color of the laptop?
You must never overlook how sinister Mother Nature can be...
Jenny I think you just saved my life! I was going to get a Pink gardening shirt but now I won't. No death by hummingbird hopefully here in Georgia! love ya! Linda
Possible death by hummingbird is never something to take lightly, but possibly it is just your natural sweetness that attracts them instead of a devious plot by Mr. Jenny.
I had a red shawl on yesterday and bees kept trying to land on my shoulder! I think I'd rather have hummingbirds.
That Mr. Jenny...who knew???
Oh, Jenny. Never, ever go to one of the really expensive, but exciting, swim-with-the-dolphins training centers for fun and learning in your pink bathing suit. Those mammals take pink as a sign of "let's go", um, sexually. They're larger, stronger and more determined than one might think.
I would kill for a purple laptop. Ok, kill is rather tragic, but yeah.
I love hummingbirds. We put out a feeder every spring/summer. Maybe then you wouldn't be attacked. Damn things.
Homicide by hummingbird
a tragic tale is told
woe to those with hot pink shirt
or laptops in color red bold
With pointed beaks, whizzing sound
they frightened Ms. Jen to death
for in her garden she was found
laying amidst the baby's breath.
(okay, all together now: GROAN)
You be careful Ms. Jenny...we have your back!
Yep, I've heard those hummers can be dangerous! ;-)
XO,
Sheila
You just crack me up! And I can totally relate to this incident. I was outside inspecting my topsy turvy tomatoes this morning and I thought this giant humming bird was going to take a plug out of me. Or extract the fluid from my eyeball. If I hadn't thrown my hand up to protect my self that is. So I totally get the whole attack scenario.
So you think this is a conspiracy do ya. I do so love a good conspiracy theory. I'll keep this in the back of my mind...should you ah...turn up pecked to death on the back lanai. :)~Ames
IF i were a hummingbird, I would totally set up shop in your garden.
I have a feeling they were fans of yours and were ONLY trying to read your good stuff!!!
That Mr. Jenny is a planner! You have to give him some credit for patience in his scheming. I aspire to have that type of genius:-)
Stop in and give my blog a read at The Voices Within Unleashed
bless your day.
Thanks for the visit to my post.
Tee hee, I think "death by hummingbirds" might be my new desired way to go. I would die happy, if slightly more scared of birds.
I think you're right, though - that garden looks like a lovely place to visit!
I personally think he's trying to kill me too. lol
But your garden is beautiful!
Maybe he'll try to bury our bodies there!
your garden IS wonderful. i can totally relate. i´m convinced that birds have a secret society and they are out to get us.... we should talk :)
xxx
Oh, that IS a lovely garden, indeed! I would be so lucky as to be able to even catch a glimpse of the occasional hummingbird. Don't even remember when the last time I saw one was.
those birds love my sister in law! I hope to never have the two of you together near many of them...I would run!
So, I have seen hummingbirds fight over the feeder I have on my deck and let me tell you, they are vicious! I'm glad you're safe Jenny....
whew!!!
xxoo,
RMW
Hummingbirds!!! How lucky are you! The garden is lovely, of course, but... are hummingbirds attracted to artichokes? LOL!
Our hummingbird feeder is cleaned and waiting for the return of the little fellows.
I'll be alerting the RCMP is anything happens to you!
Your garden is gorgeous!! If I were a hummingbird I would love being there too. Mr. Jenny just better behave himself and take good care of you...you are some of my best medicine right now. I can always depend on you dear, sweet Jenny for a great big laugh. Good laughs are very good for me right now. I loved this post...I laughed and laughed reading about those hummingbird attacks. You most assuredly have a priceless gift of humor. Hugs
Jenny, you are brilliant! LOL
You had me laughing out loud with this (those little suckers are fast)- thank you for making me laugh. :-)
Wonderful post and your garden looks gorgeous!
LOL!
Yup, when they up your life insurance, it's always time to be on the look out!
.♥.
Oh, Jenny. First you have me laughing quietly so as not to be discovered by "the man", aka my bosses...then you have me in the depths of despair and jealousy over your garden!
I'll be saving this post just in case the unthinkable happens, okay? ;)
oh, i should be so lucky, i love hummers and their great big buzzing sound as they dart about ... i only see a few a year ... count your blessings ... but count very carefully ... Mr. Jenny might be reading this post ...
Be thankful they don't have teeth.
Heh, heh.
I have this shirt that is a strange yellow/tangerine colour - I've never seen that colour anywhere since (and my shirt is ...well, let's just say quite old). I love the hue, but I can't wear it - it attracts bees, mostly bumble 'jets'! Now, if it were merely humming birds, I wouldn't mind at all.
Hmmm - maybe set a feeder next to you if you want to use your laptop outside?
Nice garden, too, by the way!
I guess I'll finally see what Steve looks like on America's Most Wanted...all those little bird nips would be rather painful too. Maybe he's writing a story about hummingphobia in a garden. Too funny.
I love hummingbirds...I can think of worse ways to go:) I would love to have them land on me like butterflies do...I'm not that sweet, they wouldn't eat much! The garden looks wonderful.
I am so glad you survived. Do you need our reflective owl?
Heeehehhe!!! This has to be the top murder plot of the century. Wife attacked by humming birds!!!
I've had several hair raisin' experiences myself. I had one fly right into my perfectly sprayed hairdo and get stuck. Those little suckers are loud right in your ear!
I cornered a buildin' one time doin' my normal ninety miles an hour and met a little hummer goin' as fast and his little beak hit me right in the middle of the forehead.
I was out in the flower gardens in my bright coral lipstick days and a little guy came up to my lips for a 'drink'! Now, that just certified how sweet I am. Yeah, right!
You take care and beware of the little buzzers...it's probably a conspiracy!!! :o)
God bless ya sweetie!
What a remarkable photo of the hummers perched on your hands...I thought our little crew was friendly and fearless, but you have won the prize! Beautiful blooms too...
Those garden shots are pretty neat, especially the artichokes! I'm impressed.
As for the thing with Mr. Jenny, never fear. I have printed off this post and am ready and waiting to use it at the slightest provocation.
(You hear that, Mr. Jenny? No funny stuff.)
;)
RUFUS! Those are the hummingbirds that are big and forceful! I had one that dive-bombed me whenever the feeder was empty! I finally had to take it down because the Africanized bees kept clogging it up! Now I only feed the finches! Oh! I do have a male cardinal and his wife who are hanging out in my yard, waiting for something juicy to devour!!!
thank the Lord you are still with us :) !
blessings,
aimee
Well, I am laughing out loud! That was a great story and beautiful garden....by the way!
When we lived in AZ we had an AZ room...hahahaha...and we had doors on either side. We had them both opened and these hummers got trapped inside. We had to get them out. They are scary. Their wings are flipping super fast and their beaks...well, they are long and pointy...like a spear.
Shame on him. I am catching onto him too.
I don't think I've ever seen a hummingbird 'in the flesh' (so to speak) but they are beautiful birds and so delicate (except for the long pointy beaks of course; wouldn't want to undermine your case here!).
Bright yellow is a fatal colour to wear outside. Insects are attracted; little midgey bitey things and bigger buzzy stingy things!!
Oh come now... Don't they have hummingbirds in paradise? Mr. Jenny loves you in pink and so do the birds :D
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