Bug-session

Yes, I am bug-sessed. In fact, when I opened my blog to post this I swear I saw that stupid picture move. I actually did screech a little bit and even now when I'm typing I have my feet up off the floor. Hey, you can never be too careful.

My bug-session really started when we moved into this house. OK, sure I used to scream a tiny, little bit over grasshoppers, japanese beetles, moths and every once in awhile a bee or a wasp would freak me out BUT I wasn't really obsessive about it until we moved into this house about 8 years ago. In fact, I never saw a cockroach in real life before that.

The first month we moved in I fell in love with my bath-tub. It is one of those huge garden whirlpool tubs. On one side is a floor to ceiling window that looks out into a little garden courtyard and quite often in the evenings I would grab a book, take out my contacts, put on one of those clay masks guaranteed to give you poreless, younger looking skin (liar, liar pants on fire!)and spend enough time in that luscious water to raisin up.

Now just so you don't think what happened is impossible I have to tell you something personal. I wear coke bottle bottom glasses. It's true. They are about 1/2 of an inch thick at the outer edge and that's with all the fancy-schmancy technology to make them thinner and easier to wear. I actually once asked my eye doctor if perfect vision is 20/20 what is mine? After he got over laughing at me he said "oh something like 20/20,000" and even if he was exaggerating they are wicked thick AND I am wicked blind without them...

So anyway, there I am with a drying out clay mask that needs removed. I take off my glasses and start scrubbing my face with a washcloth. I scrub. I splash water on my face. I scrub. And all the sudden I feel something kinda big and kinda crunchy on the washcloth. Hmmm.... what could this be, I wonder?

So I kinda push the crunchy thing away but it bounces against my leg.

So I put my glasses on and look down to see ...

A GIANT COCKROACH CRAWLING OUT OF THE WATER ONTO MY LEG!

I scream. I leap out of the tub. I flail about like I'm practicing to be in a play about seizures.

I SCREAM SOME MORE!

My husband comes flying into the bathroom. I am screaming and crying and pointing and jumping ...

and SCREAMING some more!

So my husband bravely and valiantly kills the roach single-handedly without even calling 911 for back-up assistance.

And we got the exterminator company the next day and haven't seen any roaches since.

Until now.

So in the past 10 days my pores have become very enlarged and my skin is aging quite rapidly since there is no way to apply a clay mask AND I am getting quite behind on my reading. Which is upsetting to say the least.

But on top of that I am now relieving every single bug-session I have ever had.

The scorpion sting, the invasion of moths in our bedroom chimney, the grasshoppers that used to terrorize me while I was mowing the yard for my Dad.

Yup. They're all back.

And I'm hoping by blogging about them the terror will diminish.

Actually, I think my husband is hoping that by blogging about them my terror will diminish.

Because, quite frankly, I don't think he is falling for me batting my stubby eye-lashes at him and praising his bravery. It might just be the large pores throwing him off but it doesn't seem to be working well anymore.

AND I think the screaming might be getting to him.

And not in a good way.

So, I'm gonna pull it together here and just face this bug-session down.

I'm going to march right back into my bedroom right now and see if there are any roaches in the bathtub.

But first I'll just play another 734 games of spider solitaire. Not because I'm afraid or anything. Just because I find it intellectually stimilating.

And if it takes long enough to play that many games maybe the sun will come up and all the roaches will go back to sleep and not bother me at all.

Yes, that's what I'm gonna do.

Spider solitaire - game number one coming up!

Sigh...

Prepare to be grossed out

Do you see this disgusting, disgusting, nasty, horrible, disgusting, gross and dare-I-say disgusting roach?

A relative of his was in my bathtub! Actually three relaties were in my bathtub - three different times over the past week!

I have been hysterical and grossed out and screaming like a crazy woman. Shudder.

Last night after I found the third gross bug I made my husband stay in the bathroom and watch for bugs while I took my bath. Trust me. It wasn't one of those erotic moments you see on TV where the woman reclines in the bubble bath with her shapely leg pointing gracefully toward the ceiling. It was more me throwing water violently around all the while shrieking "watch for bugs, watch for bugs!" I'm pretty sure my husband was not turned on! In fact, I'm certain of it.

We actually have an exterminator. AND our house is actually clean.

Hey, don't roll your eyes at me. It's true. OK, yes it's a little cluttery and sure there is some dust and the linen cabinet looks like a Bed, Bath and Beyond sale threw up in there.

But it's basically clean.

We haven't had roaches in our house since right after we bought it. And then I also screamed, freaked out and carried on to such an extent that we have had a monthly exterminator ever since.

So, my husband the hero called the exterminator and said "look, we have a roach problem and you need to fix it". That's what he told me he said. He might have said "look, my wife is a hysterical baby and for the sake of keeping myself out of jail because if she keeps screaming like this I am going to strangle her perhaps you should come today". Regardless of what he actually said, they sent their little white truck with giant scorpions painted on the outside today!

And they told him the city has had to cut back and no longer treats the city sewers for insects. Yea. Good to know. And so lots and lots of customers are calling up with roaches in their house.

Accccck. Shudder.

So, I'm thinking about staying in my office all night and not heading back to our bathroom area at all. I'm pretty sure roaches couldn't come this far down the hall. Could they? They couldn't! Right?

And now that I have worked myself into a tizzy feeling stuff crawling on my legs and feet...

I'll just say goodnight.

And, hey, don't let the bedbugs bite.

Sigh.

Martha and I are getting pretty close

I mean...not to brag or anything but she personally sent me an e-mail with a 326 page print-out of craft items I need to purchase before she starts on a little Halloween workshop with moi and moi alone.

Ha!

Actually I would be scared to have a Halloween Workshop with Martha alone.

First of all I'm not too great at following directions and I generally like to do it my own way.

Second of all I have the attention span of a gnat. ( those are not super-attentive bugs, are they?)

Third of all I don't think I can afford everything she'd require for me to attend.

But I did sign up for her Halloween on-line workshop thing and got the e-mail yesterday with a list of supplies and I think it is actually something like 14 pages long.

She sent it to us a week early so we can gather all the supplies.

My printer was almost out of black ink so I asked my husband to print it on his - which he did. However, I did hear a few under-his-breath comments about "just what we need, more stuff" but I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear it.

Because truly I think he might be just jealous.

I think secretly he is envious that Martha sent me a personal e-mail and not him! Like she would ever, ever send one to him. He actually considers crafts (gulp!) CLUTTER! Can you imagine such a thing!!!!!???????

Now don't you be jealous.

And don't be a hater. Perhaps if I mention it to Martha, personally, she will let you join her little on-line Halloween club, too.

Sigh.

I am the champion of the world...

...in the game Honeybee Tree.

With great precision and intent I soundly beat all opponents today. In every single game.

Don't let this colorful exterior fool you.

OK, technically you might think this is just a simple little toddler game but really it requires much intelligent planning and strategizing. You have to remove each little bright green leaf stick calmly and surely or the little plastic bees just fall out like crazy.

And it also helps that I beat my 80 year old father and my three year old-Granddaughter...

Oh, yea, and I beat my husband who was trying to hurry the game he played with us along to get back to work... but still, he is awfully smart AND I trounced him, too.

AND

I remain undefeated...

I am the champion of the world.

Perhaps I need to get out just a teensy bit more.

Sigh.

It's all about the goal setting...

OK, this year I had a few goals I wanted to accomplish. Nothing major. Writing my Dad's biography was the biggest. But there were several small goals.

The first I've been fiddling with but I just wasn't devoting enough time to learning. After seeing Julie and Julia I spent a few days and I got it! I did! I can do it now and one of my life goals is crossed off my list.

You might think I'm kidding but I have always, always wanted to flip food in a pan. I've tried it many a time and made a huge mess on the burner.

So for the past two weeks I've been practicing over the kitchen sink. And, by jove, I've got it.

I can flip food in a pan WITHOUT GETTING IT ALL OVER THE STOVE!

I know. You're impressed, aren't you?

Here's a picture which is not of me, or my pan, or my eggs, or my stove or even my kitchen but I can do it JUST AS GOOD AS THIS!

Pretty amazing, isn't it?

I started on my next little goal today but that didn't go so well.

OK, it's pretty high-reaching ...

... and probably something almost every woman over 12 in the world can do already...

OK, I'm going to come right out and say it, I cannot put on eyeliner.

Yes, you heard me right. I've tried and tried but I just can't do it.

Then I read this article in a magazine on these new eyeliner markers and I ran to Target and bought one. I was hoping it would work better then the sharpies I've tried several times in the past. (I'm ashamed to say that this is actually true and I highly recommend you DO NOT TRY IT...EVER!)

So I started practicing today and I thought it turned out pretty well. So I went into my husbands office and said in a sexy voice, "honey, do you notice anything different about me?"

I could see the panic on his face as he struggled mightily for the right answer. Hey, we've been married for almost 10 years so he knows when he is standing right at the edge of a big ol' field of quicksand.

I gave him a hint. "It's around my eyes," I said in a Cleopatra type voice.

When he said "oh no, does that hurt?" I realized I might have a ways to go before I master this next life goal.

But I will accomplish it AND I found a perfect picture to use as my guide.

OK, just kiddin' about the guide. I know this is waaaaayyy too conservative for a middle aged, frumpy Grandma!

But it's a start.

Sigh....

If you want to look like you're 30 when you're 40 you have to start at 20

Huh? I have heard this saying more then once at the Clinical Laser and Aesthetics training school I've been guinea pigging at once a week or so.

Sounds scary, doesn't it?

I bought this membership thing and can get unlimited facials, peels, microderms, laser techniques such as RF and spider vein removal.

I love it. My skin has come a huge way in reducing years and years of sun damage (yup, my sister and I were the ones that laid out for 6 hours at a time with the crisco...) and stress and illness damage.

PLUS they do all kinds of things to remove spider veins, age spots, cherry angiomas and other skin weirdnesses.

At first I felt super guilty doing this. I somehow got stuck in the mentality that if I was doing kind and good things for me that someone else must be overlooked. That all my time, energy and money had to go for kids or grandkids or starving people in India.

But now I don't. Taking care of me makes me feel better. Makes me feel worthwhile and valuable.

And I know that is a pretty deep statement.

Don't get me wrong. I have generally almost always liked myself and never felt like I should be wearing a paper bag. And I'm not a big proponent of elective surgeries from and cost and surgical risk standpoint.

But this stuff is cool. And it takes 2 or 3 hours a week including driving time.

And my husband swears my skin looks 15 years younger...but he could be lying and that's not the most important thing anyway.

The most important thing is that I think my skin looks 10 years younger! Hey, I'm not waxing quite as rhapsodically as my sweet husband. But I do see a difference and that makes me feel better.

Today I had this thing done called RF that tightens collagen. They did half my face and then showed me in a mirror. It was definitely a difference. And it didn't hurt. And I think the turkey neck thing improved for sure!

But the part that confuses me is this...

Now since I'm 54 and just finally starting to take care of my skin more then soap and water and an occassional slathering of make-up what does that mean?

If I want to look like I'm 54 when I'm 64 I should have started 10 years ago? Or, hmmm... I guess it would be if I want to look like I'm 64 when I'm 74 I have to start this very moment?

And I did.

And I'm tellin' ya. I'm gonna be a darned young looking 74 year old!

So there!

Sigh.

Look, look, look!

One of my friends is starting a cool on-line garage sale site. She has all kinds of nifty stuff. Don't forget to click on older posts so you can see stuff from the time before.

If you're interested in anything just e-mail her or comment and she'll get right back to you.

I got two things already !

Woo hoo!

I would definitely sign up to follow her site so you can get notice as soon as she posts a new page of cool stuff!

http://rummagingthrujunkdrawers.blogspot.com/2009/08/more-stuff-part-ii.html