No turkey necks were harmed...

...in the following pictures so please do not call the TNPA (Turkey Neck Protection Agency) on me!

Because, frankly, I have better things to do now that I am no longer being followed around by flocks of turkeys trying to mate with my neck.

When I came home from my RF treatment yesterday, one of my "admirers" came up and looked me over closely......"Hey," he gobbled loudly to his friends... "Let's get the flock out of here...I don't know what happened to the object of our desire! She is no longer here. There is only this imposter woman with a barely turkey-neck neck!"

And they all flew off in a big huff.

I was happy to see them go.

I think they liked me because before I got my RF treatment this is what my feathery little stalkers saw each day when I left the house......so of course they wanted me...how could they resist such an unusual turkey necked woman.

I have to apologize for my before and afters and I think I should have taken these in sunshine but it was rainy here yesterday...so this is the best I could do...you can see the creping here a bit... ...and the looser skin, especially right under my chin... But now...after an hour yesterday morning of getting my neck and face rubbed with a little magic wand thing...kind of imagine an ultrasound with your face covered with gel instead of your pregnant stomach and that same feeling as the little hand-wand thing rubbing back and forth.

They cover each area of your neck and face for about 8 minutes. It didn't hurt at all...and they had this little temperature reading thing-y and kept taking the temperature of the skin and although the reading ranged between 101 and 105 degrees it never felt very hot...almost just like a warm bath. After the hour treatment I could definitely see a noticeable difference.

I kept looking in the rearview mirror on the way home and I thought maybe it was just wishful thinking but when I walked in the door my husband commented "wow, that really worked!" ...and when I went to get my hair cut with the lady I always go to she said "wow, your face looks really good! What are you doing?" So I told her and showed her my neck and she said she is making an appointment to get her turkey neck worked on as well. But even though I'm happy about my neck I feel kind of lonely. I think I miss my turkey boyfriends a little bit.

It never hurts to have a few extra admirers around...human or fowl.

So I think I'm going to get some cracked corn and go sit outside on the wall for a little bit hoping to lure them back.

Maybe they'll come to visit me again.

And maybe they'll even be willing to snuggle a little bit...even though we are almost a different species now.

Sigh.

We're all friends here, right...

...and with the eyebrow waxing story I think you learned something important about me.

No...not that I'm a chicken.

You learned that I don't always know the best time to say no.

And mean it.

And stand by it.

The reason I even found out about the estheticians school is because my neighbor, Holly, went there. She is one of those permanent make up artists that tattoo on eyebrows, eyeliner and other things onto your face which are too painful to contemplate.

For a long time whenever I would see Holly she would always end up squinching up her eyes at me and saying stuff like "come over...I'll give you a discount on permanent eyeliner" or some such silly idea.

And I would also say no.

But finally she caught me on a particularly vulnerable day after a boyscout tried to help me cross the street AND I got my first letter in the mailbox from AARP.

So when I saw cute little Holly the next time and she perkily said "now is the time to work on anti-aging, you should come over" I started kissing her hands and saying "please, please, please...save me!"

The first visit to her in-home studio was for a facial. Nothing too dramatic. But it made my skin feel good and my husband actually kept remarking on how he could see a big difference.

The second visit, ditto.

The third visit, Holly enquired whether I wanted to treat the deep lines on my face more aggressively.

"No botox!" I yelled!

And she agreed.

And then she started telling me about a method of breaking down the collagen in the deep wrinkles with something called "needling."

"Will it hurt?" I asked warily.

"Nope, not a bit, because I will numb your skin."

"And can you tell with one treatment?" I asked warily.

"Definitely. You will be shocked at the improvement when your face heals."

"Heals?"

She says, "your face will have a few red marks in the deep lines that will disappear quickly leaving those wrinkles substantially diminished."

She reassured me again that it wouldn't hurt...so I said, "sure, let's do it."

I should have known something was up when she started practically running around the room getting things ready and humming and babbling.

The next thing I know she has some kind of topical lotion on my face and after a few minutes everything is totally numb.

Come to think of it that would really be the time to get your eyebrows waxed because...

Oh...sorry.

Focus, Jenny, focus.

OK...ummm.... needling, numb face...ummm.... oh, yea...

So she tells me she is going to take these teeny weeny needles and put teeny weeny little pokes on both sides of the entire length of the wrinkle.

Hmmm.... this isn't sounding good.

She starts but I can't really feel anything. She still seems oddly excited. I ask her why?

"Oh," she says, "it's so weird but no-one will ever let me do this to them!"

Warning....warning...warning...

At one point she mutters, "hmmm.... there is quite a bit of blood there..." but she reassures me when I look at her all worried.

Warning...warning...warning...

And then I ask, "ummm...what is this gonna look like until it heals." Nothing like leaving the question a bit late, right?

She says, "oh not bad...it will look like a cat lightly scratched you in a few places on your face."

So, she finished up and is all pleased with herself.

I get up off the table and see myself in the big mirror on the wall. Acccckkkk! Light cat scratches? WHAT????

Why didn't I stop this? Why didn't I head those warning bells in my head!

I start stuttering "h-h-how long is this g-going to take to h-heal? This is going to sc-scare my Granddaughters! This is going to scare my h-h-h-usband!"

She calmly says, "it will just take a few days to heal but you know you can't put make-up on it or anything?" Then she hands me some salve and a little half-sheet of instructions.

I am getting freaked out. I want to cry but I'm afraid to get any salt water in my light cat scratches.

I walk across our adjoining front yards. I try to hide from a car that is passing by.

I walk into my husbands office and he is on the phone. He looks up, does a double take and smiles at me.

Smiles?

I sit in the chair and I wait and when he finally hangs up he says "You got me there for a second...is that red sharpie going to come off?"

I start crying and say, "no, I got needled to make the wrinkles less deep and, and, and...sob...."

And he says, "why did you do that?"

And I wail, "I don't knowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!"

So I hand him the little sheet of instructions because I am crying and he reads it and says, "OK, no make-up for a week, no sun for a week, no washing with soap for a week, if any sign of infection..."

I interrupt him to run dramatically out of his office and into the bathroom.

I turn the bright lights on in there and just gasp. This is awful.

What have I done.

And the numbing stuff is wearing off and it really hurts. I call Holly. She says it will sting and hurt but only for 24 hours. OK, good to know.

I no longer like Holly. I no longer like me because I am a moron.

And now I no longer just look old...I now look like an old woman that has been attacked by a deranged mountain lion.

After 24 hours it started looking a little better... but, OH, did it itch.

The next two days showed even more improvement... ...and after one week the red was almost all gone AND the wrinkles were substantially less deep... A few weeks go by and I run into Holly and she immediately turns my face into the sunlight and says "oh, that worked so good...let's schedule the second treatment."

And I tell her I'll call her.

But I don't.

And I'm not going to.

Because at some point I think I am just going to let my face get old.

And I will accept the aging thing gracefully.

And I will accept all the aging as the story of where I've been...

...

...

OK, honestly, I lied.

I'm sorry but I am shallow. And weak. And I don't know how say no to people that promise they can make me look 50 again!

So although I won't do the needle thing again (light cat scratches my hind end!) I made an appointment at the school tomorrow for something called RF!

And apparently it doesn't mess up your face with scratches, hot wax or other mutilations.

And apparently it can help with turkey neck. Not that you probably have that. But you might have seen it and turkey neck ain't pretty. Not even on a turkey.

So apparently they just use this nice little wand thing that heats your skin up to 103 degrees which stimulates the collagen which tightens up the skin and makes the turkey neck less turkey neck-like.

We'll see.

I may chicken out unless eliminating turkey-neck trumps fear!

It would be nice to forget about being related several generations back to the Butterball turkey...so yea. I think I'm gonna do it.

But if I see any needles or hot wax I am soooo out of there!

I'll let you know how it goes!

Gobble gobble.

Sigh.

PS Did you remember to enter the Lisa Leonard giveaway from my Friday post?

PPS Did me writing "gobble, gobble" remind you of Thanksgiving? If so, you might want to read my Gobble, Gobble post! It's a strange little post. And, my, aren't you surprised by that?

For the love of all that is holy...

...how do you people get your eyebrows waxed?

Seriously.

I did it for the first time on Tuesday.

And I didn't like it.

I go to this estheticians school where you can get tortured, poked and prodded for just a few bucks. Normally I just get facials trying to enhance my normal youthful glow.

Cough.

OK, let me rephrase that. Normally I just get facials trying to FIND ANY KIND OF GLOW WHATSOEVER!

There! Are you happy now? I told the truth.

So...

My student finished up my facial and then told me that she needed to do one more eyebrow wax for graduation and could she do it on me?

She looked really intently at my eyebrows making me wonder if somehow I had missed seeing this......in the mirror every morning.

But, she was a cute, little thing. And she had big, serious blue eyes, and she looked so sweet (now I can see how guys fall for that crap!)

So I said yes.

She scampered off immediately in a graceful, bambi-like way to return with a few things hidden behind her back. Actually I don't know if they were hidden. I was just keeping my eyes tightly closed in meditation...trying to prepare for the procedure.

So I said, "will this hurt?" and she pushed my eyebrows around a bit and said "weee-ellll, your eyebrows aren't very hairy ... so, no, it probably won't hurt as much."

Have you had this done?

First they put this scalding wax on your eyebrow and then they push some kind of a strip down on top of it. Hard. And then.

Then.

Then...they tell you take a breath and rip the strip thing off along with the wax and your hair.

For a moment I was so stunned that I didn't even make a sound.

All the air in the Universe was gone.

And then I squawked! Very loudly!

And the little thing jumped and said, "did that hurt?"

I was speechless.

I exhaled.

Then she said, "OK, now we'll wax the top of the brow," and before I knew it she threw more of that scalding wax on and ripped more hair from my body.

Holy stinging pain.

Holy wanting to slug her.

I told her, "let's just stop, seriously...I can just shave them off and draw some on...it'll be fine..." She disagreed. Not only did she disagree she leaned over to whisper, "I need to finish this eyebrow wax so I can get my final grade."

Well, seriously. Did I look like someone that cared? The area around my eyebrow was throbbing and burning.

But she looked at me with those big blue eyes again so dang it...I said, "fine but be gentler this time."

After she finished the second eyebrow I realized it really didn't matter if she finished school or not because I think she could get a job immediately as an interogator of bad people. Easily. I would have told her anything to make her stop the torture...including my weight.

She rubbed some "soothing" gel on afterwards which sure didn't soothe me much.

And she did say that I would forget about it by the time I got home.

Liar.

Sure, my eyebrows look all tidy and neat but, really, who ever even looks at eyebrows.

And do you think it is normal for my eyes to twitch violently when they see a roll of tape of any kind.

When I got the can of floor wax out they started twitching so badly I had to put the can away. Does that seem right to you?

Or will it be like childbirth?

You know...how you forget the pain the minute you hold your sweet baby in your arms.

And now, come to think of it, I clearly remember all three childbirths...and they hurt...

So next time I don't care what reason Taniqua-Shawn-Barbie gives me.

Nobody is torturing my delicate eyebrows again.

She did tell me bikini waxing was less painful.

But somehow, I don't think I believe her.

Sigh.

Please do not attempt the fluffy hair thing...

...that I wrote about on this post.

Or at least do not attempt it before attending a concert.

I am firmly convinced that it is somehow attracting people to me that are...ummmm...smelly.

Same story as Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

We got to the venue for Sara Evans.

I was all kinds of wiggly in excitement because her voice is so wonderful.

Two empty seats to the right of me.

I keep telling my husband to keep his fingers crossed.

Show starts.

Sara is amazing.

Two women start down the aisle. I look up. Uh oh. They are the sisters to the guy I sat by at TSO. OK, I tell myself to be positive. I look again.

They are carrying big armloads of food including popcorn and hotdogs topped with chili and raw onions.

The people around us are sniffing in disgust.

What? What is this? How can this be?

Go away bad people.

Leave.

They squash me going by and the hovering scent of raw onion and chili makes me feel slightly less holiday-like.

My husband leans over to the woman on his left. They talk.

I am squashed.

I am mad.

I am cursing my fluffy hair which has, obviously caused this, cuz before I knew the fluffy hair trick this never happened to me.

I look to my left and my husband and scooted down four seats to his left. The woman next to him saw what was happening and accomodated his request!

Oh hooray!

I love him!

He is my hero.

I scoot down and leave a four seat buffer between me and additional chili/onion stench!

Hooray

The show is wonderful.

She sings amazingly well.

I am blown away by her versions of the Little Drummer Boy, Oh Come all Ye Faithful and Oh Holy Night!

And no nostril cells were damaged in the pursuit of this musical magic.

Go me!

But I'm thinking next Friday when we go to see Guy Fieri I'm gonna just let my hair hang down like stick hair. Why risk it three times in a row?

Sigh...

OK, I woke up this morning and was going to write about...

...eyebrows predicting the severity of winter.

Based on how incredibly out of control my husband's caterpillarlike eyebrows are at the moment.

But, alas, he would not let me take a picture so the idea went into the vast pit inside my brain where all my strange ideas go.

So I decided to write a frugal holiday tip. You're going to be impressed.

Sure I could tell you how to make a wreath out of used tube socks or a Christmas tree out of dryer lint. But why? There are so many blogs out there that explain all that wayyyy better then I do.

Sure I could do a little tutorial about how to rob an old woman named Vera of a tray and turn it into an adorable message board but other, faster-running, less guilty bloggers have already done that.

So I decided I would share a free, wonderful way to keep your skin looking fresh and vital through the holiday season when you don't have time or resources to go to the spa.

It's all about microdermabrasion!

For serious.

Microdermabrasion removes all those dead, dull skin cells that make your skin look old and wrinkly.

Microdermabrasion is magic.

And all you need to do it is one willing guy.

With some light stubble on his face.

Preferable in the morning, after he has brushed his teeth.

Just gently rub your face against the stubble. Be sure to cover all areas of your face. But be gentle. You don't want to actually sand off your skin. Just remove the top two or three layers.

If he's asleep you can also do this technique on your elbows. I, however, do not recommend trying it on the soles of your feet (although I think it would actually work)

You might hear different but I assure you I have personally never, ever tried doing my feet! But I've heard through reliable sources that men get kind of freaked out about feet applied to the stubbly area of their face. Sometimes they can be sort of selfish like that.

To be on the safe side, though, I think it's wiser just to stick with the face and the elbows.

Afterwards you can gently apply moisturizer and bask in the soft glow of your skin.

And your stubbly guy will be sure comment on how baby-butt soft your skin feels.

When he stops glaring at you for longer then five minutes at a time.

Let me know how this works for you!

I do feel kind of guilty putting spas out of business with this money saving technique but I'm all about the DIY save money tips at Christmas!

You're welcome.

Sigh.

Yea, don't hate me because I have fluffy hair!

OK, look! I rarely have a picture of me taken that doesn't make me cringe and want to hit the little "delete" button on my keyboard...

BUT...

My very sweet hair-dresser lady (is that what they even call them any more?) gave me a hair tip.

Mainly because I don't have much.

And what I have left has been falling out.

And because my hair usually looks like this. And since this is a full-service blog I want anyone with flat, limp, thin hair to know this great trick.

Cuz I'm all about beautifying America one head at a time.

AND if you are one of those people like me with flat, limp, thin hair you know that it never holds the fluffy! BUT this actually stayed looking good for several hours!

So...you wash your hair and put your styling stuff in there and blow it dry and style it like usual.

THEN you spray it with hairspray kind of lightly and break up the hairspray with your fingers.

THEN you put velcro rollers in your totally dry hair and let them sit in there for 30 minutes or so.

THEN you take them out and stand in shock and awe that it actually looks like you have a full head of hair.

Voila! See? Now if she would just come up with a trick to make my six eyelashes look fuller.

I guess I'm just one of those women that is never happy.

Although I was happy with my fluffy hair AND that giant spoonful of stuffing that is heading toward my lips!

But my eyelashes definitely need help!

Sigh.