Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I was so angry at myself...

...I couldn't do it.

I tried deep breathing.

I tried affirmative, joyful thinking.

I tried pep talking myself.

But in the end, I pushed the panic button and lost it.


Badly.

I felt like an idiot.

The technician and Mr. Jenny kept reassuring me, but I couldn't stop crying.

After all.

I've had MRI's before.

This time was different, though.

The last testing I did was a few years ago and  I was pretty calm if I do say so myself.

The technician told me to be totally still and warned me of the clicking and clanking.

She told me to be still, and I was.

Really.

So,  I was surprised when after a few seconds she stopped the scan and checked the machine.

"Hmmmm," she said.   "Okay, let's start again."

She did.

And stopped again.

And checked the machine again.

"Remember to be still, no motion," she cautioned me sternly.   I nodded my head and agreed.

The third time she stopped the machine and literally  stomped into the room.

"Are you humming?" she asked in a very mean voice.

"Ummm....yes," I replied meekly.   "I'm not moving, though.   Really.  I am holding very, very still.  I'm just humming quietly.   You didn't say I couldn't hum."

She glared at me.

It was scary.

"NO HUMMING!" she said.   "NO MOVING, NO WIGGLING, AND NO HUMMING!"

"Geez," I apologized meekly.   "You didn't say I couldn't hum."

She huffily started the exam again and it went okay.

And I did it.

And it wasn't that bad even though I really, really wanted to hum.

Yesterday, though, I knew NOT to hum.

And I didn't.

But I freaked out and I felt like a complete idiot.  When the table slid into the machine my arms and hands were trembling.   I felt like I was choking.

"Can you control that shaking?" the technician asked.

"Ummm...no..." I said hesitantly.   I didn't want to get yelled at like the humming incident.   "That's partly why I'm having these tests."

After the third try and the pushing the panic button, she told me it wasn't going to work.

"I'll try harder," I told her. 

"No," she said sternly.

Her face softened when I burst into tears.

"I'll try harder to hold still, really," I said again.

She refused and said it just wasn't going to work without sedation.   She did give me Kleenex, though, so I think she wasn't really mad at me.

I'm ashamed to tell you how hard I cried.

I was really, really hoping for answers this week.

I'm not giving up...

There are four more diagnostic tests scheduled this over the next few days, but to be honest with you, I'm exhausted.

Even 'it could be worse' isn't helping right now.

Mr. Jenny took me home and put me to bed and I still couldn't stop crying.

I'm tired of feeling lousy.

I have stuff I want to do.

I'm tired of feeling lousy.

I miss myself.

I'm tired of feeling lousy.

I miss writing.

And laughing.

And humming.

(although possibly not in the MRI machine)

I am reminded, again, of how lonely chronic illness is.

Seriously.

If you know anyone with chronic illness, call them.   Text them.  Let them know they're not forgotten.

I think we all shy away from that contact because we don't know what to say.

We don't know if we should intrude on someone's pain.

Seriously.

Intrude.

Intrude with no expectations.

Intrude and tell them you're thinking of them.

Intrude and send them a knock-knock joke.
 
Go ahead and do it right now.
 
I'll wait.

Seriously.

Chronic illness is not contagious.

Well...perhaps sometimes it is and in those cases be sure not to kiss the sick person on the lips...

But try for a moment to put 'not knowing what to say' aside and say something.

Anything.

And for those people that continue to bless me with caring.

Thank you.

Sincerely.

And tearfully.

And gratefully.

My speaking voice works only sporadically now, so I'm sorry to be so quiet.

But I'm going to get better.

And then I'll talk your ear off.

And, by Heavens, I'm also going to hum like crazy.

And I'm going to make more of an effort to be a pinpoint of light in the overwhelming of an often dark world.

To start being more pinpointed even before I'm mended, though,  I'm offering a little piece of advice to all you women getting ready for MRI's.   I suspect that kegeling is also forbidden although I, technically, wouldn't confess to trying it during the testing.

Just sayin'.

And...

You're welcome.

Sigh.
 
 
Thank you Cyndie.   I've stopped crying now.  You are a blessing.


post signature

39 comments:

Alica said...

I'm so sorry that you're feeling lousy!! I know from experience how hard it is to lie still in those MRI machines...and I didn't know humming wasn't allowed, either!! Hugs to you...and hopefully some answers coming soon!

Alica said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nellie's Cozy place said...

Hi Jenny,
So sorry you are still feeling so bad and have no answers, that is one frustrating and lonely place to be.
I have had a lot of physical problems myself over the last 10 years or so, and it just wears you
down sometimes, and a good cry seems
to help at times. No need to feel
ashamed for yourself, we are women and we have feeling and we need to
let them out sometimes, that is how God made us. It is very hard to be in these situations, and the not knowing makes it all the worse..........
Praying for you and praying the Dr.will find an answer and that it
easily treatable..........
Blessings to you hon,
Nellie

Bookie said...

I am so very, very sorry to hear all this, Jenny. The constant pain or aches or faltering came drive us to the wall! I once had a severe migraine that lasted 6 weeks while I had a hyperactive 2 year old to care for. In the end, I just sat and cried in the car wanting to die for some relief. That was 35 years ago or so. This past four months has been a lot of DDDDDs: Dying, Death, Divorce, Depression, and Death Row Doggie! So much and my hurts are for the others who are on the front row of these things. But I know you from your blog, that you are strong and capable gal and a blessing to others. This cross will pass...we all so wish we could shoulder some of your burden. In the meantime, know your readers await...you will be back with a full voice!

Linda @ A La Carte said...

Jenny, I feel like crying with you but instead I'll laugh out loud and hope you can feel some HOPE and JOY in your life. Sending big hugs and much LOVE!

Linda

mrs. c said...

Jenny,
I have been a bad friend, I have not read my blog friend's posts in a long while and I am soooo sorry with all that you are dealing with. Sometimes a good cry helps, also writing and getting out your feelings helps too. It is important to express your feelings, it helps lighten the load to share it with others. My hopes, thoughts, and prayers are with you each and every day.

Betty said...

I think sometimes the best thing to say is, "I don't know what to say."

I don't know what to say, but I am feeling sad that you have to go through so much. Life is so unfair, but no one ever said it would be fair. Believe me, I know that to be true.

Have you ever read the book When Bad Things Happen To Good People? It was written by a Jewish Rabbi and does go against things that I was taught, but I still liked reading it. It's out of print, but you might be able to locate a copy online.

I had a friend that needed to be sedated for MRI's. I don't think your reaction is that unusual and the people running the thing should be more compassionate.

In the midst of your sadness your sense of humor comes through. Hang in there Ms. Jenny. You've got a lot of friends in your corner praying up a storm.

Melinda said...

Well, those technicians need to
be a little nicer!

I'm so sorry that you are having such
a rough time right now.


Sending you BIG hugs!

M : )

Theresa said...

You always make me smile, even when you are feeling lousy:). Love you sweet Jenny, I am praying that you feel better each day and get some answers!!! Hugs

Terra said...

Those nurses sound mean and cranky and need some people skills. Prayer with the patient might be a best way!
Your post is very touching and I hope for great test results and full healing for you. "For I will restore your health to you and I will heal your wounds, says the Lord." Jeremiah 30:17

Esther Joy said...

Oh Miss Jenny, you are far more than a pinpoint of light!

I hope you get answers soon, and without having to do anymore MRI's! They certainly are not fun, but especially if you have a cranky technician!

Praying for you...

jeannettestgermain said...

Cry all you want - it helps to get it out of your system:)
Yes I've missed the amazing Jenny, full of spunk and creativity, because being sick costs so much energy to hold your head above water. Promise me that you wil keep doing that every day, because our mind can overcome where our body fails. PLEASE, write me if I can be of any help - I mean that.

Rita said...

I've been basically housebound for nine years now with chronic pain and fatigue of varying severity. I do believe that finally knowing why will help you, no matter what. Regardless, you have every right to allow yourself to just plain be sad and overwhelmed when your life jumps the track. I still have times where I miss my old physical self so much it is almost physically painful.

I have to say that being yelled at by strangers who are supposed to be trying to help you when you are going through the most stressful time in your life--well, that's enough to push anyone over the brink. I've heard a lot of people have a difficult time with MRIs. Maybe the techs were having a whole day filled with them, but that's no excuse to be curt with you.

Don't let yourself feel guilty about blogging. (I speak from experience--LOL!) It just adds stress you don't need. I know you don't want to hear it, but it will get better. And you will also probably have occasional days like this again, too. Again...I speak from experience. But your spirit is far too bright to not shine. :)
Love and hugs!

LBP said...

I am so sorry you had such a bad experience yesterday. Are there any open MRI facilities where you live? They are much easier to deal with. I hate cranky nurses! I have chronic migraines, and have had more than my share of MRI's! They are no walk in the park!

Blessings

Linda

H said...

Hi Jenny,

I've been away for ages and I had no idea! I'm really sorry you're feeling so lousy! It sucks to not be able to do all of the things you want to do and to be so alone so often.

I'm adding your email address to my ripple list. It's a humorous email which I send out/pass on from time to time. I hope it makes you smile sometimes :) x

Viki said...

Wow, I can't believe you still don't have a diagnosis yet. I'm kind of off and on on the computer. Hang in there!!

Lorrie said...

I'm so sorry you are still in limbo about your health, Jenny. That's a hard place to be. Waiting is one of life's challenges, I think.
I'll pray for you and for a quick diagnosis. Hugs.

Gattina said...

I couldn't say it better then what Rita already said. Everybody has the right to be sick, we are not machines, although some hospital personal thinks. You have no name, if you have a broken arm they call: "the broken arm has arrived !"
People who get a MSR check here and are afraid of it, get a pill to calm them down, that really helps.

edenhills said...

I'm so sorry. I think it's perfectly normal and natural to break down and cry. I wish I was there to give you a big hug!

Sarah~Magnolia Surprise said...

Ah, Jenny, my heart goes out to you. I went from teary eyes, to wanting to smack a certain technician, to laughing about the sunglasses in the post before this one. You are a dear and I hope you begin to feel better.

The Furry Gnome said...

So sorry; sending you my thoughts. Man of few words.

Beth said...

Thinking of you and missing your writings. I love your that you can find humor even in the midst of your pain. I hope you receive an answer soon.

Sue said...

So sad that you are going through all of this, Jenny, but glad you can both cry as needed AND keep your sense of humor. You are a wonder.

And I am praying hard for you.

xo
Sue

Sandy McClay said...

Ah Jenny....I am so sorry this is so tough right now....I am going to ask the universe to send you some loving positive energy my friend.....we can all use that, chronic illness or not....
You WILL get this under control when you get the answers you need! I know you will!
Love, Sandy

Janie Junebug said...

Sweetheart,

When I worked for a doctor, about 50% of our patients needed sedation to be able to have an MRI. You are not alone, and the technician should't have been grumpy with you. They see people with MRI problems all the time. Every time I've had an MRI I've been given headphones so I could listen to music.

Love,
Janie

Sue (Someones Mom) said...

I could scream at the thought of an MRI, I have panic attacks and I am claustrophobic. I know I couldn't do it, maybe an open one...with lots of drugs. My dad has no issues, never worries and he called me after he had his first MRI several years ago, "I know how your panic attacks feel now" he said. They had to pull him out and give him Xanax. Nothing bothers him, but that did...so, don't feel badly about crying.

The line that jumps out at me in your post is "I miss myself". I have said that before, for entirely different reasons, but that longing to be the person you used to be can be so strong. I know you will get there again. I am sending you good thoughts, positive energy and prayers. I care.

Michael Reilly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael Reilly said...

Ok Jenny... This is me intruding.

I only learned to actually feel empathy a couple years ago, so that emotion is still very new to me. I've been reading you since I started blogging in February.
Today, I cried.
Sometimes life just sucks and you cry. Let it all out, girl. It's ok. It's allowed. It doesn't solve, but it lets out all that crap that bottles up. So cry. I have tears right now because you triggered my own needed cry. So for that? Thank you. Mine's been bottling up too. Heart crap, diabetes crap, pond crap, larceny crap, your undiagnosed crap..... yeah it's all one boat, because as long as we reach out, our crap all goes hand in hand and we get through it all together as a team. You have a great team, and champion of that team is your husband. I want you to give him a hug from me. Like now, if he's around. This is tough on both of you... I know... Carolyn and I have that as well. Hug him again. He deserves it ;-)
Now, for you.... here's my advice. Next time a technician gives you attitude, remind him/her that they are the hired help. YOU are their customer, and if they don't treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve, whip out your phone and call administration and request a more caring technician. Watch how fast the hired help gets in line.
And something else I want to tell you that I can guarantee will help you. Find a forest. Go into the forest until all you see is the woods... until all you hear is nature. Sit. On the ground. Don't worry if your pants get damp. They'll dry. Sit. Close your eyes. And dig your fingers into the soil. Feel Mother Earth and let her energy enter you. No, she's not going to cure what's ailing you, but yes, she WILL ground you... and give you strength to fight this damn fight.
Together. You, Mr Jenny, Me, Mother Earth and everyone else who loves you. We fight your fight, Jenny. And we still chuckle about the sunglasses ;-)
May light, love and laughter fill your world, girl.
Blessed be,
Michael
Intrusion complete... for now. ;-)

Jenny Short said...

Jenny, It's me again. I've had you on my mind all day. I started MRI's when I was having panic attacks and they wanted to see what was inside my brain...funny. But I didn't think so. They put me in an open MRI machine back then. Now I fall asleep in them. Xanax helps.
I'm glad to hear you have Dr. House. I just love him. Surely he will come up with an answer. Or you are just haywired. That's me.
With an answer I pray their is something to alleviate your pain.
Just know you are thought of and loved by many. xo Jenny

Busy Bee Suz said...

Jenny, what you've endured is traumatizing. I'm so sorry you're going through this....and you're not out of it yet. I pray you get some answers soon....and your speaking voice? Did Mr. Jenny have anything to do with that one?? Oh, you know I'm kidding.
Sending you JOY, ,LOVE and SMILES! I hear those are contagious.

Chatty Crone said...

Betty told me you were sick and had MRI trouble. I had a breast MRI Monday and it was hard. I could barely breathe and tried deep breathing and at the end of it - she said I moved and she was going to have to tell the doctor. Oh my that panicked met to think I would have to do that again. SO I understand - hey did they gave you a pill to relax - they did me and it helped a lot. I am not sure what chronic illness you have but i hope you get better and healed soon!

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Willoughby said...

Oh, my friend, I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. I dearly miss the silly little emails we used to send each other. I'm desperately trying to find your home mailing address as I'd love to send you a letter or a pretty card to brighten your day. If you're feeling well enough, please feel free to email it to me.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and sending you all the positive vibes I possibly can.

Take care!

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Kathy Felsted Usher said...

Sending prayers! I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Splendid Little Stars said...

Oh Jenny!
hugs, lots of hugs.
so very sorry.
I think of you. I care about you.
I say prayers for you.
hoping for answers and wellness!
That huffy attitude is unconscionable and not to be tolerated. not to be tolerated.
xo

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