Cleaning out my desk...

over the weekend helped remind me to clean out my brain.

 

Sometimes I get stuck in stinkin' thinkin'.

 

I hate when I do that.

 

Intellectually I know it's incorrect.

 

But my brain gets going in that narrow groove and I spiral back to feeling like I'm not good enough.

 

And I can pretty much make myself go from being mostly in emotional control to beating myself down in about 1.4 seconds.

 

I used to be able to do it much faster...

 

You know?

 

Calm to stressed out in 1.1 seconds.

 

I think age has slowed the process down.

 

Thank heavens for getting old.

 

Anyway.

 

I found this little scribbled piece of paper under the box of pens that mostly don't work.

 

Because.

 

Yes.

 

I try to use one.

 

See it doesn't work.

 

And throw it back into the same place again.

 

It is oddly empowering, though, to throw the whole box of pens out.

 

Although now I find myself writing with several semi-dried-out magic markers.

 

Sigh.

 

(baby steps, Jenny.   Baby steps)

 

Hmmm.

 

What the heck was I telling you about?

 

Hmmm.

 

Dried out pens?

 

Oh.

 

Yeah.

 

The little poem I wrote and stashed under the dried out pen box in my desk drawer.

 

It made me feel better.

 

It reminded me how far I've come.

 

 

I.

Am.

Enough.

Yes,

I let you bully me,

demoralize me,

demonize me,

belittle and badger me,

and to try your very best to destroy me.

 

But I didn’t let you.

 

 

Because.

I.

was trying to help you.

 

By making you

feel like you WERE enough.

Because.

I.

Am.

Enough.

 

Really.

And how sad for you to never realize that.

 

Deep?   Right?

 

Not about Mr. Jenny. 

 

About many previous people in my life who have mistaken kindness for weakness.

 

...

 

Cleaning out the dried pen box turned out to be a good thing for my weekend.

 

I ended up feeling empowered.

 

So I went on to clean out the baking pan cupboard as well.

 

Sadly there was nothing inspirational there, though.

 

Although I was tempted to tell the freakishly hoarded pile of cupcake liners, "Seriously, you ARE enough"...

 

I didn't want them to get overconfident and start reproducing when I wasn't  watching!

 

Seriously, though.

 

Who has a whole drawer stuffed full of cupcake liners?

 

I packed them all up to donate to the school art department.  Hopefully they'll be more excited than I was with the wide variety of colors and sizes!

 

And hopefully you'll be excited to remember that YOU are enough, too!

 

Just the way you are!

 

Hugs and Happy Monday!