I'm in that dark place...

...and I don't want to be here any more.

I'm full of excuses.

And they're making me feel ill.

I'm cranky, I'm depressed, I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm down in the dumps.

Gosh.

"It's hormonal," my doctor says.

"It's all the change in your life," my friend says.

"It's coming down from  months of stress," my husband says.

"It's enough!" I say.

Enough.

It's overwhelming to think of adding a ton of things to my life to fill up all the hollow spots.

And I don't feel like I have enough energy to even find a ton of things to add.

So I'm just going to be nice to myself.

And make some small changes.

Add a few vegetables and fruits to my diet each day.

Walk to the end of the driveway.

Find my Face-ercise book and start doing those odd little facial workouts again.

I'm going to set small goals that I can achieve...and I'm going to do them.

Because that dark place gets to feeling a little too comfortable after awhile...

You know?

The dark place lets me wallow in my excuses because there's no bright lights to show me I'm even standing in the shadows. And after awhile it all starts to feel like shadows. And after awhile it starts feeling like the shadows are the way things are supposed to be.

Because...

Sometimes when you're hiding out in the shadows, things from the past start to feel like they were the sunshine. Kids being small, Grandlittles being less busy, gardens to plant, friends and relationships still alive.

And sometimes when you're hiding out in the shadows, things from other peoples lives feel really, really perfect. And everyone else seems to have it all together.

It feels comfortable to put on the 'oh boo-hoo' shirt when I'm hiding out in the dark, even though it fits badly and is super itchy and uncomfortable. 

It feels comfortable to disregard my own advice to others and to embrace myself as the exception to all the rules.

It's only when I poke my head out of the shadows that I can still count my blessings...look to the future...find joy and hope in things that I am still able to dream for myself.

I read somewhere that 'life begins at the end of your comfort zone'.

If I were a braver woman I would have that tattooed somewhere on my body.

Perhaps where it would conceal a stretch mark or two.

I'm going to try it.

 

No, not the tattoo. Do you think I'm totally crazy?

 

Ouch!

BUT...

I'm going to step outside my comfort zone and see what happens.

I'm going to find that woman who woke up in my bed each morning (no, this isn't getting kinky! blush!) who believed and embraced the philosophy that happiness was a daily choice.

I'm going to find her and drag her out into the light...

Because things are only going to change if I change them.

And things are only going to change if I quit hiding in the dark.

Nobody else can do this for me.

And while kind words and quotations and 'it could be worses' can help me on my way...

It's still me that has to do the work.

I'm going to try walking out of the shadows.

Please disregard my disheveled appearance.

I've been letting myself have a really, really bad hair life.

But I'm determined to make it better.

 

Today I will choose eating a peach and swimming for 10 minutes.

Today I will annoy my husband by saying:

"Knock, Knock."

He will roll his eyes and reply in a resigned voice, "Who's there?"

I will tell him, "Old Lady".

He will roll his eyes again and say, "Old lady, who?"

And I will say, "Gee, you are talented. I didn't know you knew how to yodel."

And things will start feeling way better in the world.

Anyway.

 

How can you hide in the darkness when there's so many wonderful knock-knock jokes in the world?

Seriously.