Oh Come on!

So... today I decided to tackle the glass tile backsplash and starting to repaint my kitchen/family/breakfast room area.

The bay window was hard but I figured the backsplash couldn't be any harder.

Boy, was I wrong. Just Bob at Home Depot lied to me. Here I was thinking I would leave my husband and run away with him so I could tile my way across the USA but it's all off now. Backsplashes. are. really. really. hard. Or I'm just really, really, really dumb.

So... there I was getting the painting done and getting ready to do the tile AND all the sudden I saw a cockroach. I kid you not! The exterminator guy said we might see a few more in the house so I am super, super cautious in my bathroom. But there I was just minding my own business and painting away and all the sudden it jumped out at me and tried to rip my throat out. OK, technically it didn't jump and didn't even come near my throat but it probably would have if I wouldn't have ran away really fast.

Here's my before the backsplash picture and I had to show you with an arrow where the evil 11" long cockroach was located.

OK, it probably wasn't quite 11" long, but still.

So after I screamed bloody murder and after my husband came running down the hall and after he disposed of the ugly little mutant I started attempting the backplash.

All I can say is Just Bob is delusional.

This little corner of the kitchen took me about four hours to complete and even then it looks kinda crappy. I'm thinking I might have to put a lot of tall stuff in front of it.




I mean, I love the concept but the execution leaves a bit to be desired.

But at least I tried it.

And at least I continued to do the project in spite of the grave personal danger I was in from the cockroaches.

And I only fell off the counter twice when I was trying to watch for cockroaches and put tile in place.

So... I guess I won't be coming to a tile store near you anytime soon to give product demonstrations.

Sigh.

Knock, Knock...

Oh come on. Don't be that way. I know I just did a knock, knock joke in my last post but play along....ok? Pretty please?

OK, knock, knock.
"Who's there?" you say.
Ima
"Ima who?" you say.
Ima finally gonna put some tile in the bay window behind my kitchen sink.

Gee. That was hardly worth it.

But!

I'm excited. Well, tired and excited. We got up a little before 5 am today to get part of the garden amended and tilled getting ready to plant fall and early Spring crops in a few weeks.

While we were hauling and swearing and sweating and spreading and swearing some more I decided that it would be a good rainy day weekend to finally, finally finish the baywindow behind my kitchen sink.

We had granite countertops installed several years ago but didn't think about the bay at the time.

Since then I keep it covered with this ratty little table runner thing that looks stupid and cluttery.

So today while my husband was returning the rototiller I went into the tile department at the Depot and met "Just Bob".

"Just Bob" hardly laughed at me at all and was very patient while I asked him 73,413 questions about putting some glass tile into that area.

"Just Bob" showed me grout and adhesive and sponges and all their little glass tiles and debated on grout color with me without even rolling his eyes ONCE! Not even ONCE I tell ya!

"Just Bob" helped me load my cart up with all the stuff I need and when Steve showed up to the tile department I think he was a bit scared. "Do you know how to lay tile?" he asked me. "Heavens no," I replied jauntily, "but Just Bob says I can do it!" "Hmmm," he said, "is Just Bob going to come and help you?" "Nope," I replied confidently, "I can do it by myself! (it came out sounding suspiciously like something our three year old granddaughter would say but I don't care). If Just Bob says I can do it, I can do it!

And now I have it home and it's gonna look luscious and I am only getting a teensy-weensy bit nervous.

But I'm ready to take on a new project and quit thinking about c-o-c-k-r-o-a-c-h-e-s!

Here's my tile and the stuff I need.


If you're not busy c'mon over!

And stop by Home Depot, please, and bring "Just Bob" along.

I think I'm gonna need him.

Sigh....

Knock, Knock...

Who's there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady who?
Wow, you didn't know you could yodel, did ya?....

ummm....

OK, and in keeping with my small, probably barely noticeable bug-session...

A man went to answer a knock at his door and upon opening it, found a huge cockroach. “Yes?” asked the man. “What can I do for you?” Instead of answering, the cockroach slapped the man and ran off.

The next night there was another knock at the door. When the man answered, he found the cockroach once again. This time, the cockroach kicked the heck out of the man and ran off once more.

On the third night, there was a familiar knock at the door. The man cautiously opened it and no sooner did he peek out than the cockroach bit him and took off.

The man was so worried about the bite that he called his doctor and told him the whole story. “What is going on?” the man asked.

“Ah, yes,” the doctor said. “There’s a nasty bug going around.”

And may I just say....

Sigh.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

At least that's what my Grandma used to say. And she said it a lot. To me primarily. Hmmmm....

Anyway I woke up this morning with the best intentions to let the whole bug-session thing go. I actually started to write about my back-to-school shopping trip with three year old granddaughter, Morgan, when I looked out my front window and saw...

It was the city roach patrol. Wow! I just called them yesterday. They came. They opened the manholes on our street. They sprayed. They came up to the door and handed us this. So, of course, I have to write about this instead of a cute story about Morgan calling the clothes I suggested "sgusting" (but don't get too suspensed out cuz I'll write about that soon barring any new and more "sgusting" bug-sessions)

And then they gave us the bad news.

And let me just say I hate war. War and slavery. War is bad. Slave ships were bad. War and slaveships are evil. In addition to a bazillion other reasons they are evil I am taking the myopic approach for this particular moment because THEY BOTH CAUSED ROACH INFESTATION IN THE US!!!!!

Yes, you read this right. Or at least that's what our handy little brochure AND the roach-buster guys said.

These particular roaches are called Turkestan roaches. Not be confused with American or German roaches. Turkestan roaches apparently are a lot tougher. They started infesting our country during and after the first gulf war. Is this cosmic payback for US invasion of Kuwait? (don't get political on me...I only wrote down what my husband just said - not the karmic part - just the Kuwait part)

Anyway, these little beauties (GAG) made their way back to the good old US that was already infected with cockroaches from slave ships AND WW I !!!

And since there were no roaches in the US before 1700 I can only hate slavery and war for my bug-session in addition to the other bazillion reasons. And for not letting me write about my sweet, little opinionated Morgan.

And for giving me a new bug-session for the moment. Because Turkestan roaches do not live in the sewers...they live in the ground AND according to the handy dandy brochure and one of our beautiful daughters THEY CAN FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

accccckkkkkk!!!!!

I have the worlds strongest intention to avoid roaches. I do. It's true. But now I have to wonder if hell has roaches? Big, old, nasty, flying Turkestan roaches? Probably. And since my Grandma was pretty sure that was where I was headed I think I just might be in trouble.

Sigh.

Bug-session

Yes, I am bug-sessed. In fact, when I opened my blog to post this I swear I saw that stupid picture move. I actually did screech a little bit and even now when I'm typing I have my feet up off the floor. Hey, you can never be too careful.

My bug-session really started when we moved into this house. OK, sure I used to scream a tiny, little bit over grasshoppers, japanese beetles, moths and every once in awhile a bee or a wasp would freak me out BUT I wasn't really obsessive about it until we moved into this house about 8 years ago. In fact, I never saw a cockroach in real life before that.

The first month we moved in I fell in love with my bath-tub. It is one of those huge garden whirlpool tubs. On one side is a floor to ceiling window that looks out into a little garden courtyard and quite often in the evenings I would grab a book, take out my contacts, put on one of those clay masks guaranteed to give you poreless, younger looking skin (liar, liar pants on fire!)and spend enough time in that luscious water to raisin up.

Now just so you don't think what happened is impossible I have to tell you something personal. I wear coke bottle bottom glasses. It's true. They are about 1/2 of an inch thick at the outer edge and that's with all the fancy-schmancy technology to make them thinner and easier to wear. I actually once asked my eye doctor if perfect vision is 20/20 what is mine? After he got over laughing at me he said "oh something like 20/20,000" and even if he was exaggerating they are wicked thick AND I am wicked blind without them...

So anyway, there I am with a drying out clay mask that needs removed. I take off my glasses and start scrubbing my face with a washcloth. I scrub. I splash water on my face. I scrub. And all the sudden I feel something kinda big and kinda crunchy on the washcloth. Hmmm.... what could this be, I wonder?

So I kinda push the crunchy thing away but it bounces against my leg.

So I put my glasses on and look down to see ...

A GIANT COCKROACH CRAWLING OUT OF THE WATER ONTO MY LEG!

I scream. I leap out of the tub. I flail about like I'm practicing to be in a play about seizures.

I SCREAM SOME MORE!

My husband comes flying into the bathroom. I am screaming and crying and pointing and jumping ...

and SCREAMING some more!

So my husband bravely and valiantly kills the roach single-handedly without even calling 911 for back-up assistance.

And we got the exterminator company the next day and haven't seen any roaches since.

Until now.

So in the past 10 days my pores have become very enlarged and my skin is aging quite rapidly since there is no way to apply a clay mask AND I am getting quite behind on my reading. Which is upsetting to say the least.

But on top of that I am now relieving every single bug-session I have ever had.

The scorpion sting, the invasion of moths in our bedroom chimney, the grasshoppers that used to terrorize me while I was mowing the yard for my Dad.

Yup. They're all back.

And I'm hoping by blogging about them the terror will diminish.

Actually, I think my husband is hoping that by blogging about them my terror will diminish.

Because, quite frankly, I don't think he is falling for me batting my stubby eye-lashes at him and praising his bravery. It might just be the large pores throwing him off but it doesn't seem to be working well anymore.

AND I think the screaming might be getting to him.

And not in a good way.

So, I'm gonna pull it together here and just face this bug-session down.

I'm going to march right back into my bedroom right now and see if there are any roaches in the bathtub.

But first I'll just play another 734 games of spider solitaire. Not because I'm afraid or anything. Just because I find it intellectually stimilating.

And if it takes long enough to play that many games maybe the sun will come up and all the roaches will go back to sleep and not bother me at all.

Yes, that's what I'm gonna do.

Spider solitaire - game number one coming up!

Sigh...

Prepare to be grossed out

Do you see this disgusting, disgusting, nasty, horrible, disgusting, gross and dare-I-say disgusting roach?

A relative of his was in my bathtub! Actually three relaties were in my bathtub - three different times over the past week!

I have been hysterical and grossed out and screaming like a crazy woman. Shudder.

Last night after I found the third gross bug I made my husband stay in the bathroom and watch for bugs while I took my bath. Trust me. It wasn't one of those erotic moments you see on TV where the woman reclines in the bubble bath with her shapely leg pointing gracefully toward the ceiling. It was more me throwing water violently around all the while shrieking "watch for bugs, watch for bugs!" I'm pretty sure my husband was not turned on! In fact, I'm certain of it.

We actually have an exterminator. AND our house is actually clean.

Hey, don't roll your eyes at me. It's true. OK, yes it's a little cluttery and sure there is some dust and the linen cabinet looks like a Bed, Bath and Beyond sale threw up in there.

But it's basically clean.

We haven't had roaches in our house since right after we bought it. And then I also screamed, freaked out and carried on to such an extent that we have had a monthly exterminator ever since.

So, my husband the hero called the exterminator and said "look, we have a roach problem and you need to fix it". That's what he told me he said. He might have said "look, my wife is a hysterical baby and for the sake of keeping myself out of jail because if she keeps screaming like this I am going to strangle her perhaps you should come today". Regardless of what he actually said, they sent their little white truck with giant scorpions painted on the outside today!

And they told him the city has had to cut back and no longer treats the city sewers for insects. Yea. Good to know. And so lots and lots of customers are calling up with roaches in their house.

Accccck. Shudder.

So, I'm thinking about staying in my office all night and not heading back to our bathroom area at all. I'm pretty sure roaches couldn't come this far down the hall. Could they? They couldn't! Right?

And now that I have worked myself into a tizzy feeling stuff crawling on my legs and feet...

I'll just say goodnight.

And, hey, don't let the bedbugs bite.

Sigh.

Martha and I are getting pretty close

I mean...not to brag or anything but she personally sent me an e-mail with a 326 page print-out of craft items I need to purchase before she starts on a little Halloween workshop with moi and moi alone.

Ha!

Actually I would be scared to have a Halloween Workshop with Martha alone.

First of all I'm not too great at following directions and I generally like to do it my own way.

Second of all I have the attention span of a gnat. ( those are not super-attentive bugs, are they?)

Third of all I don't think I can afford everything she'd require for me to attend.

But I did sign up for her Halloween on-line workshop thing and got the e-mail yesterday with a list of supplies and I think it is actually something like 14 pages long.

She sent it to us a week early so we can gather all the supplies.

My printer was almost out of black ink so I asked my husband to print it on his - which he did. However, I did hear a few under-his-breath comments about "just what we need, more stuff" but I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear it.

Because truly I think he might be just jealous.

I think secretly he is envious that Martha sent me a personal e-mail and not him! Like she would ever, ever send one to him. He actually considers crafts (gulp!) CLUTTER! Can you imagine such a thing!!!!!???????

Now don't you be jealous.

And don't be a hater. Perhaps if I mention it to Martha, personally, she will let you join her little on-line Halloween club, too.

Sigh.