Saturday, December 31, 2011

Chaos and Peace

This little SC story is part fiction, part fact. Like many of you, I face Christmas each year with the sad heart of Christmas memories past. Each year I say, “Oh how I miss Christmas when my children were small,” and each year I allow the sadness to creep into what should be a holiday of joy and celebration. I wallow in the emotions for awhile and then pack them carefully away for the following year...like a hated, yet beloved, hair shirt of self torture.

This year I tried very hard to throw all those emotions out along with the piles of discarded wrapping paper.

I suspect those ‘perfect’ Christmases of my memory were not nearly as perfect as I now paint them to be.

I want to start new traditions for Christmas 2012. New things to focus on, new ideas, new ways of allowing myself to rejoice in what is happening in my life RIGHT now. I want to allow myself to feel the excitement and magic of the current moment.

The present is the present...the true gift of my life even though it is so often filled with change and loss and many things beyond my control.

The thing I can control, though, is how I deal with my life each day...and how I deal with Christmases to come.

I can control my choices each day...choose sorrow or choose joy...to look toward the light and find potentials and possibilities or to allow myself to embrace victimhood and wallow in 'ohpoorpoorme' illness.

It is time for a change. For many changes.

I don't know what they all are yet...but I am going along for the ride...I am going to close my eyes and give myself wholly to 2012...unencumbered with the weight of past perceptions and times...unafraid of the 'what if's'.

As a small part of expressing those feelings, here then is my last SC for 2011.

I give it to you in the spirit of hope...and adventure...

I'm looking forward to a 2012 filled with creative endeavors and explorations.

And I hope we continue to share the community of words as the year unfolds.

Hugs and blessings,
Jenny Matlock





Piles of paper, wasted on the floor
The vacant eyes, and the ‘gimme more’s’.
I must oh I must oh I must step away…
…before I’ve lost all the meaning of a true Christmas Day.
I wander the streets and I look in each window…
…ghostlike, I see much less happy than sorrow…
I must oh I must oh I must turn away…
…I’m looking and looking and there’s no Christmas Day.
I feel all the sadness, the loss and the grief…
…the mourning of past times is more than a thief…
I must oh I must oh I must look ahead
…I fear if I don’t my true Christmas is dead…
I look in my heart and my soul for a sign…
…that the Christmas I loved will once more be mine…
And I listened and listened and listened so well…
and finally my message rang clear as a bell…
I can’t look for Christmas in past Christmas days…
…I can’t look for Christmas in the MEMORY of joys…
I opened my heart and my soul for a glimpse
…and I finally remembered just what Christmas is…
I listened and listened and finally rejoiced…
When I heard an angel voice…
through the chaos and the noise.




This post is linked to Week 86 of Saturday Centus. To read other offerings, just click here.


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17 comments:

Judie said...

I heard that angel voice as well, and it certainly helped to make Christmas this year a little brighter. Rod was a little miffed that I made him load the tree with more ornaments especially for the twins to see. We'll have to wait a year to see how many he puts back on it!

ourlifeinaclick.blogspot.com said...

I'm going to try and do the same! Thank you for these wise words!

Bookie said...

Beautifully written and expresses so much of what I feel today! Thank you and Happy New Year!

SweetMelissa said...

Amen. You're not alone in feeling this way. As we transition from the "child" at Christmas to the "adult" at Christmas, we are forced to see it from a whole new perspective. (most likely our Mothers and Grandmothers went through this too) All of a sudden we don't just get to sit back and live the memories in the making, because now we have have the duty to organize and create them for the next generation. It feels like a bit of a let down for us at times, seeming like the holiday doesn't measure up to what we experienced at youth, but in all reality I bet in the eyes of our children...it's great memories in the making!

Pondside said...

That was SO good, Jenny. Part truth and part fiction - well you wrote something with which many of us identify.

noexcuses said...

This tugged at my heart strings. Thank you for sharing such timely and universal feelings. I missed joining in on this SC, but will make up for it with the last one of 2011.

Thank you, Jenny, for always being a happy place for me to visit.

Sue said...

Absolutely loved the poem. And the wisdom.

You are pretty neat, Jenny.

=)

PS. Happy New Year!

Sandy said...

Jenny,
I agree with everything youhave written here. This last year was so hard, but as I look back it was a real growth process. And I also look for a great ride in 2012....whereever I go!!! It was nice not to get so wrapped up in the hoopla this year, and have a quiet enjoyable loving Christmas Day! Here is to more of those and other days as special...any day, all days....Love you my friend! Sandy

Ms. A said...

How I can relate to that!

Happy New Year, Jenny!

JDaniel4's Mom said...

A still small voice is hard to hear with all the rush of the holidays!

Catherine Love said...

Wonderfully stated Jenny.
Brightest Blessings,
Catherine :)

Anna said...

Dear Jenny,

So well put.

I can sympathise with you feeling of woe and dread for disappointment at Christmas and how the memories of past Christmases can creep into the present.

As I mentioned in my comment on the challenge-page, I went out and found a Christmas tree the day AFTER Christmas because the children were so disappointed that we had not bought one earlier. (I thought we were going to be able to take a trip to the US, but the time ran away from me. That was why I had not gotten a tree earlier.) Their Christmas was not that much fun, but the days after have been better.

You do the best you can within your means. Sometimes less is more. I think my children started to appreciate how nice it is to be able to decorate for Christmas, when we had none of it.

I agree with SweetMelissa's comment about the transition of being a child at Christmas and being the adult that is supposed to organise everything! I appreciate my parents efforts on our behalf so much now. My childhood was filled with wonderful Christmases; it really was.

The cats have beheaded at least one of the little Santa Clauses that we had in the tree. It is the kittens' first Christmas and they are convinced that the Christmas tree is THEIRS alone!

BTW: One of the cats is going to a possible new home today, for a week-long trial. Erik is sad about that.


Blessings and hugs for 2012!
Anna

Anna's SC Week 86- An angel's voice

Wanderer said...

Well done! Sometimes, growing into adulthood, we lose the "magic" that makes memories seem so special...it's just another day. Here's hoping we can reconnect with the child within ourselves and see the thrill of adventure and magic in everyday things making memories that are just as magical as those from our childhood days to share with the young folks around us.
thanks for the inspiration, all the smiles and a few belly laughs as I got to know you a little better this year. I'll bet we'd be good friends if we lived near each other!
God Bless!

Theresa said...

Happy New Year to you dear Jenny! We are going to have a great year! It will be the best we've ever had, we'll keep the good from 2011 and throw out the BAD:) HUGS!

Naperville Now said...

Happy New Beginnings, Jenny.

anitamombanita said...

Oh I know those sentiments so well. It's so hard to live in the moment sometimes...my husband tells me (knowing I hate holidays) just decide to enjoy it and go with the flow; throw out your expectations. Ugh...seems so easy to say, so hard to do. But I have to admit I did it better this year than some, so I guess that's a good thing. Just think, we have 11.75 months to prepare our minds to think differently!! Heehee. Happy New Year.

La Petite Gallery said...

Hi Jenny, sorry I am sooo sick, just like last year. Want to send warm wishes and hope we keep intouch.. Yvonne