Monday, August 2, 2010

Do you remember those tests...

...that asked you ridiculous questions like "If train A leaves Chicago at 8:13 am and train B leaves Los Angeles at 9:26 am and the wind is blowing at a velocity of 63 MPH from the north-east, what time will they collide?"
Yea.

I thought you would.

Do you know what those tests are actually called?

Because I think I want to try taking them again and I'm not sure what to google.

I used to just look at those questions and doodle my initials inside a heart with the initials of whatever boy I had a crush on for that exact moment in time.

And then I generally just picked the letter "B" (for boy) if it was a multiple choice question or wrote something like "How can I answer this when I am feeling incredible personal anguish over the potential loss of human life?" And I even drew little hearts for the dots in the "i's" but the teachers were not impressed.


So, yea.

I pretty much flunked Math.

Continuously.

But now I am ready to vanquish these questions with the finely tuned mechanism of my Grandma mind!

Let me give you an example.

Get ready. You are going to be impressed.

If Grandchildren 1 and 2 need to be at swimming class from 12:00 until 12:30 and Grandchild 3 needs to be at swimming class from 12:30 until 1:00 and Grandchild 1 needs to go to sewing class at 1:15 BUT needs to go by Joanne Fabrics first to get material for a nightshirt she is making AND if she refuses (with tear-filled big blue eyes) to let Grandchild 2 come to the fabric store because it is her "special" time with you, how can you drop Grandchild 2 at home, get to Joanne Fabrics, drop Grandchild 1 on time for her class without making Grandchild 3 feel like she is an abandoned child?

See?

See what I mean?

OK. Let me give you another example.

If daughter-in-law 1 leaves her house at 8:30 am to meet you on the freeway somewhere BUT son number 1 gets involved and changes the plans to meet at 8:50 am at a different location AND daughter number 3 needs to be picked up at the car repair shop before 9:10 am AND Granddaughters number 1 and 2 need to be at piano before 9:30 am, what time does your brain explode?

I'm tellin' ya.

I can do it.

Trains colliding? Geez. That is such a sissy question.

I could totally figure that out now in a second.

The answer is...

WHO CARES?!? Who really cares when I have all these real-life, complicated mathematics equations to deal with on a daily basis.

I mean... ummm... how can I answer this when I am feeling incredible personal anguish over the potential loss of human life?

Sigh...

post signature

45 comments:

Lucy said...

LOL! Too funny. But I remember how I hated those STUPID STORY PROBLEMS! I was never good at math and throwing those in didn't help a bit. My brain hurts just thinking about that dumb train and hoping it would crash whether I got it right or not.

Terra said...

Practically perfect post! Story problems blow, but we do solve them each and every day don't we! juggling kids schedules can be tricky from time to time but it usually works itself out in one or another rendering all parties with a little bit of brain left at the end!

linda said...

Great. There ya go, handing out morning giggles again. What would i do without you...eh?

Jeanie said...

I think the only answer is to clone yourself, which means you should have also paid more attention in science class.

Susan said...

I just love you. My life sounds very much the same right now, however, I am not a grandma, just a very busy mom.
We just got back from vaction and I need a vacation to relax from the vacation. {:o)
Susan

Julie Schuler said...

Oh my! That's tough!
I solve it by everyone staying at home. There's your bikes, there's the yard, there's the hose. Have good time. I'll be on the porch knitting.

ourlifeinaclick.blogspot.com said...

I completely glazed over when I was reading the word problem!! I guess they weren't my thing but now I have to 'help' the kids w/ their homework and they hurt my brain all over again!!!

Great post!

heather

Meri Wiley said...

Well, personally, knowing you as the whirling dervish that you are.....I have perfect faith that you will accomplish anything and everything. The problem is that there are other people in the world and they just don't know that they need to get out of your way!

Love you lot's,
Meri

P.S. I should have a couple of tags for you to look at by Friday.

Andrea said...

You can do it Jenny! You're Super Gran right??

As for those questions, they make up about 90% of first grade math. I hope second grade is easier. Probably not.

Pondside said...

Jenny, here it is, a holiday weekend up here, and I find myself breaking out in a cold sweat, the likes of which I haven't experienced in years. It's a combination of panic, guilt, terror and inadequacy. I was terrible at those questions and usually ended up just leaving a blank for an answer. I may need a nap after this!

lissa said...

I never could get those questions - sounds like you're having a very busy but hopefully a very happy summer

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

Never could get my head around those kinds of questions! Not even my Young Head. So I refuse to allow them into my present life. My Old Head might explode! ,-)

Cathy C. Hall said...

So, if Blogger A drops by a blog and regular Bloggers B through, oh, let's say G, to make it interesting, drop by the same blog, (whew) what are the chances that Total Newcomer Blogger J who dropped in to a blog tour post, will win a memoir?

You can solve it pretty easily, Jenny, if you head over to the Hall of Fame. But that's the only hint I'm giving. Some things you've got to figure out for yourself (now, where did you leave those grandkids???)

Country Dreaming said...

I hated those stupid problems
and frankly didn't care much.
Do YOU know where the kids are????

Have a super day!

Melinda

Busy Bee Suz said...

You need to be cloned!

Aging Mommy said...

Brilliant! See if only you knew how those questions were all along intended to prepare you for the logistical challenges of Grandparenthood - no doubt you were thinking like me you'd be putting your feet up on some desert island beach and thinking only about what cocktail to order....

Tina said...

Perfect! And if you ever really want to know how to do those train problems, I bet it won't be long before one of your grands teaches you! This made me smile this morning.

Mumsy said...

I am afraid I am not one to be giving advice about those point A to point B questions. I always disliked those things.

Thank you, for stopping by my blog and leaving such nice comments. I have visited your a couple of your blogs before and visited some of them today. I enjoyed reading the posts.

Have a great day and week. Hugs

Dawn said...

I think it's a left brain, right brain kind of thing. I always did well in English but not math!

Holly said...

I call those questions "self-esteem busters"!!!!! I never could get those. I saw a tutorial on PBS once of someone explaining how to do them. She said there are a lot of words thrown in there to confuse you and proceeded to show what information to extract. It was brilliant and made perfect sense. But, of course, I can't remember her method and am still as confused as ever!!!
As for you? Don't answer the phone before 10 am!!!

Loving your hubby's stories of Priest Lake!! Been there a few times and enjoy it so much!!

Have a great day Jenny!!

Melinda Cornish said...

it is a crazy life....I remember those questions...I also remember telling the teacher that I knew in real life it would never matter....It didnt go over so good....

Sue said...

Story problems = gruesome torture

Grandchild problems = fun puzzle

You're right. Math success is all about subject matter.

=)

Cheryl D. said...

I think a PHd in Calculus would not be able to figure out your crazy life! LOL!

Linda @ A La Carte said...

I never could figure out all those problems so my trains collided all the time. Sounds like my real life, I think I just run 'late' to everything.

Jennifer said...

Nice, real nice. I am absolutely horrible at math. It's a real shame.

MommaHensCoop said...

uuuwwaaahahaha!

aimee said...

well its simple really. you lead a crazy life and plead with the grandchildren to understand gram is only one person and loves each one of them. and then wait until they get old enough to drive :) and then crazy goes in a whole diff direction cause how does gram show up at all the important events of each child at the same time all in one piece! so you see A-Z are always crashing! so what you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride and the fact that the grandkids love to have you around for every event in their life :) you are a wonderful gram.
blessings,
aimee

laterg8r said...

logistics always drive me mad too :D

Pat Tillett said...

I remember those questions and I hated them. I still hate them when I see them on Sundays in the Parade Magazine in our newspaper.
I was never good at them at all.

How to work out the logistics of our lives is equally complicated sometimes as well...

Sami said...

I... uh... I... wait, what was that sound?

Oh, it was my head exploding!

I don't know HOW you do it! I got big fat D's (for dodo I assume) in math too... you truly are a whiz though!! :)

Marlene said...

What time does your brain explode?! Bwaahaahaa!!!! You do come up with some wonderful analogies and visuals!

Meggie said...

OMG, how hilarious! But then isn't life hilarious? Gotta laugh, better than crying. Good luck, girl! You should try juggling. I bet you be good at it.

The Words Crafter said...

You've secretly mastered the art of cloning, haven't you? Go on. Fess up....otherwise, there's no way you could have done all that! :)

cj Schlottman said...

Oh, Jenny, can I relate! Math was so tough for me, it's amazing I became a nurse. And your life - so full and fun and balanced. I don't know how you do it and stay sane. Thanks for this post. I needed a chuckle today.

..........cj

The Words Crafter said...

You've secretly mastered the art of cloning, haven't you? Go on. Fess up....otherwise, there's no way you could have done all that! :)

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

You are supposed to be in those easy years where you don't have to live in your car anymore! I think I'd be crazy if I was still living that kind of schedule, don't know how you do it!

edenhills said...

I must admit your real world problems are enough to cause a head to explode. It sounds like you should climb aboard a train headed for your favorite weekend getaway and see how long it takes for the kids to track you down.

Teresa

GardenofDaisies said...

Jenny, you are so funny! :-) I was always terrible at math questions like that. I would have a headache before I got to the end of the first sentence of the story problem.

RNSANE said...

Math was so horrible for me. I took the bare minimum for nursing school and I was glad, back in the stone age, that I could go to a hospital based program and didn't have to get a BSN and possibly take college math.

How is it then, I bore three sons who are brilliant in math? Shawn, my oldst is an electrical engineer, Jeremy the youngest got his degree in kinesiology, and Alex, the middle one, who has his AS in fire technology, and many other classes under his belt, has finally settled on pursuit of a chemical engineering degree. His text message to me today: I passed my second calculus class with flying colors...on to my third calculus class and organic chemistry.

Lourie said...

Oh my goodness you poor thing! If only you could clone yourself.

Serline said...

My hubby is a bit of a math wiz, so these D=S*T questions are a piece of cake. But even he baulked at your real-life problem sums ;-P

My name is PJ. said...

I laughed so hard, I coughed up my right lung! seriously clever!

Cheryl said...

Dearest Jenny, they're called math word problems. How to solve all of yours is simple since you live in the SW. It's called Navajo time. Living on Navajo time is the best thing in the world.

Amy said...

Math problems. You lost me at grandchild 1. I flunked math every time, too.

{ L } said...

Once again your humor doesn't disappoint! ;) My husband made shapes with the fill in the bubble answer sheets on the tests....like Christmas trees, etc...lol