Shouldn't monuments be bigger? (deep thoughts)

...and more important than this?

A cupcake in a jar. With a single candle in it.


Shouldn't rites of passage come with more fanfare?

The simple act of people in a family singing Happy Birthday around a swimming pool does not seem grandiose enough for a major life event.


Does it?

I'm not sure.

But on Saturday night most of our children gathered at our house for a simple birthday party. With hotdogs and homemade coney sauce. Fruit salad and raw veggies and dip. All finished up with dive-in movie entertainment.

And everyone had a great time.

I swam in silky black water while Willie cavorted on the big screen. The sky was studded with stars. Little girls voices piped across the water like a musical interlude in the passage of time. My son's remarks made us all laugh.

We ate popcorn out of plastic cups as the gentle waves from the rafts rippled around us.

And everyone had a great time.

And after they all left and we cleaned up the leftovers I went back outside for a moment.

The hot stillness of desert air in August wrapped around me like a hug.

The pool rippled with reflected stars and memories.

Words written by Fulton Oursler most clearly defined my emotions, “Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”

I allowed those two thieves to rob me of my joy for a long time.

A few years ago, though, I decided I would no longer let those emotions control my life.

And I let them go.

I recognized that some things were totally beyond my control, no matter how strong I was, no matter how determined I was, no matter how much love I had to give.

And I let them go.

Letting go of control is harder than you think when you are trying to save someone you love.

When you are trying to let go and not manage every moment, it is easy to imagine each crisis as fatal. Each phone calls becomes a eulogy. Each silence the sound of a mortuary.

But here's the thing, really. Even when you aren't trying to control and manage things, they still play out the way they are going to play out. With or without your influence. With or without your permission.

We try and try to fix things that are, perhaps, not fixable.

And since all our energy is focused on things we cannot control, we lose ourselves in the frustration of never finding success. And the worry that soon our fears will become reality. And, yes, sometimes they do. Sometimes things go horribly and terribly wrong and there is still nothing you can do to change that.

But to save myself, I had to let go.

Last night was a celebration for our youngest daughters 27th birthday.

On our journey with her through the hell of addiction, we have faced down death, defeat, incarceration, sorrow, heartache and pain.

We struggled to control a situation that was not ever ours to control.

And we failed.

Dismally.

Over and over again.

On Saturday night we sang Happy Birthday, quite badly I might add, and celebrated her courage in fighting her way out of her personal hell...16 months sober.

A lifetime in many ways, the blink of an eye in others.

But, for now, this is enough.

It is enough to remember her happy laughter in a swimming pool filled with people that love her.

It is enough to remember that by letting the problem go, I opened up a lot of space to find even more joy in the things that make me happy.

As I was looking at these pictures today, I thought of the emotions that used to rule me.

How could I be happy when our daughter was homeless?

How could I find joy when her life was misery?

How could I love myself when my parenting hadn't saved her? When my parenting had possibly been the thing that caused her to go that direction?

All those emotions were wrong for me. Totally and horribly wrong.

Regret for the past and fear of the future.

Horrible truths for many of us who deal with self-destructive, abusive and cruel people.

But I am here today to tell you, this doesn't have to be your truth.

It doesn't.

I really do wish this monument could be bigger.

So you could see it and know that it is OK to care about yourself. And that it is OK to smile and be happy and to feel joy, even when the person you love is unhappy and suffering and miserable.

It won't make you a bad or heartless person to let go. It won't make you a bad parent.

Regret for the past and fear of the future won't change a thing.

It will only rob you of today. It will steal your joy. I will make your heart full of senseless pain.

And then how will you be able to truly enjoy a vanilla bean cupcake with raspberry preserves and my Grandmothers delicious wallpaper paste icing?


Just some deep thoughts for a Monday...

...while I'm off on this intellectual tangent.

Sigh...