Monday, October 25, 2010

Why I can never be a great writer...

...

I'm not one of those people.

I'm really not.

I take responsibility for my own actions. I never try and pass the buck.

BUT...

I think I'm going to have to pass the buck here...

To our weiner dog Oskar.

Early, early Friday morning I got up to write.

I tiptoed down the hall in the dark house.

I gently closed my office door. And put a chair in front of it because to latch it you have to close it really hard.

And I opened my word files to continue writing my great American novel.

...

ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

OK, I cannot tell a lie.

Let me rephrase that a bit.

...I opened my word files to START writing my great American novel and...

click

click

click


I heard the distinctive sound of weiner dog toenails clicking on the hardwood floor in the hallway.

click

click

click



Thud. Thud. Thud.

I heard the distinctive sound of a weiner dog head trying to open the office door.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Heat butt.

Silence.

Ahhhh...

I begin.

"It was a dark and stormy night..."

Thud. Thud. Thud.

He begins head-butting the door again. To no avail.

I start again.

"It was a dark and stormy night and Bob felt the full fury..."

Thud. Thud. THUD!

Whine, whine, whine.

I got up from my desk chair in a huff and stubbed my toe on the wooden chair I had shoved in front of the door.

I yanked the door open. There he lay, on the floor, outside of my door, looking dejected and starved.

"It is 1:20 am," I told him firmly, "It is not time to eat."

And I closed the door and put the chair back.

Whimper, whimper, whine, whine, THUD!

"Oh for crying out loud," I say in a mean voice. I go to the kitchen and give him a half a scoop of dog food. And then I see his water bowl is empty. And the dishwasher needs unloaded.

Finally, I am back at my desk. Door firmly closed.

click

click

click


Thud, thud, THUD!

I stomp to the door and open it. There he is. Pathetically lying there looking ... ummm.... pathetic.

So I let him come in.

And he jumps up in the leather chair that sits in the little bay window and settles down with a big weiner dog sigh.

And I go back to my novel.

"It was a dark and stormy night and Bob felt the full fury of the storm as it lashed his..."

lick, lick, lick.

lick, lick, lick.


"Oskar! Stop licking!" I say, "I'm trying to write here. Just stop licking. Now!"

"It was a dark and stormy night and Bob felt the full fury of the storm as it lashed his wind swept dark hair and lick, lick, lick..."

Arrrrgggh.

"Oskar! Stop! Licking! Now!"

lick, lick, lick.


So I decide it is time to go back to bed.

See?

See what I mean?

It's totally Oskar's fault that I can't become a great writer.

Seriously. I wonder what would have happened if Shakespeare had a weiner dog?


You can click on the picture to read this literary masterpiece more clearly.

Sigh.

post signature

65 comments:

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I can't even claim my writing has gone due to the dogs. I can claim a toddler kept me from it.

Just ME the MOM said...

Hee hee hee - laughing hysterically . . .

Two large labs at this house ;)

Kristin

Kat said...

Insert Sax the cat for Oskar the wiener dog. I feel your pain. That little ball of fur thinks it's time to get up and eat if I so much as move. Which, given my nocturnal bathroom visits, is constantly. And don't get me started on the impossibility of making pets understand the difference between wake up time during the week and on weekends. ARGGGHHHH! Kat

Terry said...

Awe...poor Oskar! I know how he feels...I get blamed for everything that goes wrong in this house! LOL

J. Kwiatkowski said...

Isn't it weird how a licking animal can shake the whole room?

Sue said...

Cute! Love the earring you gave Billy, too.

noexcuses said...

I feel your pain...as I sit here chuckling! It always seems to happen, doesn't it? Hang in there!

RH (aka Lucy) said...

Very clever post. Love it!

Jocelyn said...

Oh Oscar....you are really putting your Mommy in a tough place!!!!

Made me smile today Miss Jenny!!!

Love you!!!! :-)

Cheryl said...

That Shakespeare poster doth rock!

Deb said...

LOL...that crazy weiner dog....

BEAR's Mom said...

Yes Yes Yes...
I can relate...
~victoria~

Wanda..... said...

Jenny, at least... you have the first sentence of your "great American novel"...

Jennifer said...

That sounds like my dogs. They're always ready to play or bothering me when I need to get work done.

You should hide in your closet with a flashlight and notepad.

He'll never find you there.

Jeanie said...

Oh sure, the weiner dog excuse. Poor Oskar, the scapegoat.
1:20 a.m.! Really? He was probably just trying to tell you to get some sleep.

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

Isn't it dreadful how much control THEY have over our lives. Mine may be a beagle, but she won't let me stay up late and write or read blogs. When 10:30 rolls around she starts pacing around me. If I try to stay up until 11:00...she starts the random bark (and beagles can bark loudly)! I don't have to go to sleep, but I have to go to my room to bed.

Might I suggest a small tape recorder (do they still make those?) to dictate your first draft?

Susannah said...

Brilliant, I love it! I think anyone who EVER had a dog will identify with this. :-)

Such good writing and so amusing too.

Julienne said...

Well it's really quite obvious that Oskar thinks you should be writing this great novel together! For heavens sake Jenny get him his own computer and he can click, click, click and lick, lick, lick to his hearts content!!
There may be a great weiner novel tucked away in that very clever doggy mind!

5thsister said...

Well, maybe you couldn't start on the Great American Novel but you sure know how to tickle the funny bone! Love Shakespeare's take on the travails of wiener dog ownership...

Willoughby said...

Instead of the next great American novel, I think you should write the next children's classic: The Advertures of Oskar the Weiner Dog! I'd buy 12 copies (15 if you autograph them)!

dogsmom said...

Ah, Jenny, if that is all it takes to distract you, NEVER try to write with a cat!

I feel your pain.

Linda @ A La Carte said...

Love the click of weiner dog toenails...the lick lick lick not so much!! I understand why you couldn't write!

Aging Mommy said...

Very funny! Now get back in that office and write your novel :-)

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

so that's my reason for not being a great writer! :-)

lizziviggi said...

Hilarious! I laughed out loud reading this. Your Shakespeare bit is genius. It's the pitter-patter of little feet down the hall that sends my writer's heart plummeting... because that sound is shortly followed by "Moooooooom!" *sigh* From thereon out, the only thing I'll be writing the rest of the day is the grocery list.

The Quintessential Magpie said...

This has got to be one of the funniest things you have EVER written! LOL! Love it!

XO,

Sheila :-)

Sam said...

Weiner dog police checking in here...DO NOT be hatin' that adorable weiner dog Miss Jenny!!!!!

Judie said...

The dog ate my computer.

Rocky Mountain Woman said...

So, if I want to write in the morning, I can' flush my toilet. I have one mare who stands in her stall listening for the stupid toilet to flush. She doesn't seem to care about the lights or the coffee pot, just the dumb toilet. The minute she hears that she starts whinnying and whinnying and well, you get the picture!

I guess I'll never be a great writer either.

Vee said...

I just read a really mean sign that might fit here..."Life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies." Course I'm quite certain that you love your cute little Oskar and would never want anything to happen to him. Sorry for even mentioning it. I am. Truly.

La said...

Nah....Shakespeare was a man. If Oskar was bothering him he'd scream, "Anne, the dog's hungry!"

Mumsy said...

This was so funny, I could just see and hear it all. I do not write but have had similar happenings around here with Chancy.

Go to your office with Oskar in tow let him get in the chair, you relax until he has finished his licking and stretches out to sleep then you get to writing that novel...you can do it...I know you can. Hugs

cj Schlottman said...

Jenny, I can so relate! Right now I am typing round my Lhasa Apso, Honey, because she has draped herself over the left edge of my laptop while I am propped up in bed trying to read and comment on blogs I follow. She has been known to throw her whole body over the keyboard!

I love Willie's earring and his musings. Also loved the clicks and licks. Great sound imagery!

As usual, so well done..........cj

Sue said...

heehee

William never sounded better!

;)

Ames said...

They do that so you'll go back to bed ya know. Sort of like herding you back to bed.

I've got one of those too. It's like having a two year child in the house. Very demanding. Only I had to cut out the midnight snacking because people were always asking me what kind of dog she is.

For God's sake "She's a Chihuahua!" just because she is the same size width wise as she is length wise, I just don't understand why people can't see she's a Chihuahua!

So I feel for you because I also experience the same distraction. Maybe you should give Oskar some Benadryl?...yea some Benadryl.

Writer's unite!! ~Ames

House On Beach Street said...

I thought I was the only one who went nuts when my dog constantly licks. Drives me absolutely crazy.

Holly said...

You'll have to blame somehing else on the dog, because you are a fabulous writer!!!!!

Loved this!!

Cheryl D. said...

I need to get a pet, so then I'll a reason for my writing!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oskar is interfering with history here!

"Alone again.... naturally!" said...

The really really annoying slurpy lick...yeah, I can relate, but mine comes from my cat who thinks it is absolutely necessary to do this in my office and then I get a pat pat pat on my leg, just enough to say...why aren't you giving ME your full attention, I am much more important than whatever you are doing, lol. Pets, gotta love them! Cathy.

Life At Camellia Cottage said...

Oh, I feel for you, and totally understand, because we have two doxies and, while there is nothing like them, you also can't get anything by them! You can read a story about my 'birls' here >>> http://camelliacottagediary.blogspot.com/2010/10/wonderful-weather-hunter-pest-and.html

alisonmillerwoods said...

That was hysterical! I feel the same way with my kids - only luckily they do less licking. Thanks for the Monday smile!

Tina said...

Hysterical. Right now I'm blaming homeschooling. Of course, I could get up before they do...but after 6 years of getting up at 5 I'm just so not in the mood to do that!

Gina said...

Hilarious - I laughed out loud several times while reading your post... I have a very demanding 1.5 year old dachsie named Daisy :) I love the click click click of her toenails on the wood floor! Another thing she does is bite her toenails - is that weird or do other dogs bite their toenails??

Amy said...

Awesome. Seriously, awesome. Dogs really are man's best friend. Including the whole distract you from doing what you want to do.

mub said...

Aaagh, the dog licking noise is the WORST! It totally is the dog's fault you can't write!

Ms. Anthropy said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! You need Cesar on speed dial.

Theresa said...

I am scampering around catching up with everyone! I would have been just sick if I had missed this post about Oskar! I really enjoyed you cute story, have a great evening! HUGS!

scribblingmum said...

Love it. You can dedicate the book to Oskar, written despite his best efforts to distract you. Nice post.

Su-sieee! Mac said...

LOL! I had a cat who liked to interfere with my muse as I tippy-tapped on my typewriter (yes, that long ago). Years later, I had a yellow parakeet who liked composing with me. Maybe Shakespeare had a fish.

Jenny, there's a One Lovely Blog award waiting for you at my blog. Please come by an pick it up. :-)
Su-sieee! Mac
This and That. Here and There. Now, Sometimes Then.

Diana said...

So sorry Jenny! I have two little dogs that are like two little children. I wonder if Shakespeare hada pet? Love Di ♥

Pondside said...

I don't know - Oskar was really quite an inspiration for you ....just not for long enough!

edenhills said...

That's so funny. I guess I could blame it on the cats playing with my pencil or a goat eating my paper.

Teresa

Meri Wiley said...

Hey Girlfriend,

That's what you get for being up at 1:20 in the morning.....you disturbed his ritual of guarding the house while all sleeps, so in annoyance he came to piss you off. Seems fair to me, I'm just sayin'

Love ya'
Meri

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

Jenny it has been way too long since I've had a chance to visit...I had company this weekend and I was cooking and cleaning all last week.

Oskar may be an attention distractor but I think he's given you some wonderful writing material in the long run...lol

♥ Pat

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

It happens with cockapoos too...Maybe tonight will be a better night. :-)

Marlene said...

Is your dog related to mine, per chance? Click click click. Thud thud thud. Get my own way. Lick Lick Lick. Yup.

Slamdunk said...

Very funny post Jenny.

We have an Oscar equivalent here named Charlie (a 70+ lbs. retreiver mix though) and he is always wanting something when I finally sit down at the computer. Then when he is done he finds one of his little kid friends to continue the bothering.

Sares said...

hi Jenny! Just stopping in to say hello. Your doggie drama cracked me up! It SO reminded me of my little pomeranian. She is constantly wanting in and out. In and out. Up and down. Water. Cold water from the tap. She's a diva that way.
I think you are a fabulous writer even if Oskar is a stinker!

H said...

Now then Miss Jenny! Time to stop weining and blaming that poor, sweet, innocent, little doggy.

BRIGHT IDEA!! Oskar obviously wants company. Why don't you take him up to bed. I'm sure Mr Steve would *love* to entertain Oskar while you write (mwah ha ha ha)...

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

We become Wise, when we have all our excuses, at the ready, always! :-)

Bonnie said...

Oh Jenny... real life can be so comical. With 2 dogs and 2 kids I can surely relate.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Those weiner ones always throw us off. I love this, Jenny. You're a fun, great writer, with Oskar's inspiration.
PS Sorry. Again, I got messed up with the SC and needed to post the link twice. Please delete the first one. THANKS.
xoRobyn

Deborah said...

LOL, the lick lick lick one always gets me!! I loved this :o)

Nadeen said...

Oskar,Oskar,Oskar. And then he would probably would have eaten it anyway.