Saturday, March 6, 2010

A tale of fear and romance...

...the fire was lit. The table beautifully set...champagne was chilling... I had adorned myself in a slinky little dress sans spanx...the only thing dangling was my sparkly earrings because my arms had somehow, magically become firm and young and smooth...my husbands full head of thick hair glistened in the light of the fire...

WHAT????

Hair????

Hold on a second.

OUCHHHHHH! (I pinched myself too hard I think!)

And now I awake to the reality of our Friday night.

I was tired. I had on my fancy red flannel nightgown...the one with plaid that makes me look hot! My only accessory was matching red fleece slippers. Hey, when you've got it, you've got it! Who needs all that fancy stuff like dresses, make-up and combed hair anyway.

We were laying on the couch watching the American Idol results show. Nothing says romance more then watching peoples dreams get shattered.

We were eating plata de carne from a Mexican restaurant...and, hey, nothing says romance like a plate of meat. Right?

The only conversation between us was along these lines, "hey, do you have any green salsa left?" and "do you miss Paula?"

It was a typical, romantic, Friday night love-fest at our house.

And then it hit the magic hour. The sweet spot of the evening. Eight o'clock!

I heaved myself off the couch, brushed off all the meat crumbs to our weiner dogs great delight and went to get my nightly medicine. Nothing exciting except for melatonin, calcium, magnesium and progesterone.

My husband had gone earlier in the day to the blending pharmacy to pick up my new prescription for the progesterone because my doctor wanted me to try switching from capsules to cream.

Now you see the romance unfolding, don't you?

Huh?

You don't?

Well, just wait. I'm getting there. Don't rush me.

When you get old like me and the doctors remove all those excess female parts you need some magic elixirs like progesterone and estrogen or there would be no romance. Ever. Trust me on this. I know what I speak of.

And actually, come to think of it, there would probably be no husband sticking around to even have romance with...zero hormones equals zero sweetness. At least for me!

So I open the little prescription bag and I see this... and I dig around in the bag and there are no instructions. Hmmm...

OK, this shouldn't be too hard. I read "Apply 1 ML (2 turns) to wrists every evening at bedtime."

OK. I turn the little blue knob thing. Nothing happens. I poke and I prod and I pull on all the moving parts I can find. And nothing happens.

I take it to my husband who is in a meat induced stupor on the couch impatiently waiting to see who gets the final ax on American Idol and I ask him to try.

He tries everything he can think of.

We look at each other.

He has fear in his eyes.

He knows what will happen if I do not have my progesterone. I will awaken him at 3 am unable to sleep and possibly weeping.

He tries harder.

The blending pharmacy is only open until 5, Monday through Friday. Uh oh.

So we take the little evil bottle into my office and google every possible combination of words trying to find instructions on how to get the ridiculous device to work.

No luck.

I call some people I know who take hormone therapy. Nope, they just squirt it out of tube. I leave some messages and send some texts to other people but I don't hear anything back.

OK, I'm getting annoyed.

I dig through my medicine drawer looking for an errant progesterone capsule that might be laying there for some reason.

Nada.

My husband fear increases.

"I'm tired," he whines, "I need to sleep tonight."

We decide to call the 24 hour pharmacy by our house.

My husband describes the dispenser. The pharmacist says "bring it up and we'll figure it out."

So my husband gets clothes on he can wear in public and puts on his shoes and goes up to the pharmacy.

He is gone a long time.

He comes home looking defeated.

He says, "we pushed, we pulled, he took it apart...he says just squirt some out and rub it on your wrist and call the blending pharmacy on Monday."

I'm not sure about this theory. I take quite a few meds and they are pretty carefully balanced out and if one goes out of whack then everything goes out of whack pretty quickly. Monday is three progesterone doses away.

But then the phone rings.

It is a very sweet lady I know answering my urgent text. "Oh no, what's wrong?" she says before I even say hello. Perhaps texting 911 was a tiny bit over the top.

Oh well. Dramatic crisis requires dramatic action!

So, I ask her how to dispense the cream. I cross my fingers while I'm asking because I know she gets her meds at the same blending pharmacy I do.

And she tells me. OK, first there is a little bit of screaming about sending a 911 text in a non-emergency...but then she tells me how to make it work!

She says, "turn the little blue knob until the holes line up on the top and push the little button on the bottom of the dispenser."

Button?

Button?

Oh. Um. Yea. There is a little button.

I thank her profusely and show my husband the little button.

He says, "that wasn't there before, was it?"

So I try the instructions.

And it works, perfectly.

We both exhale.

I apply 2 turns of the cream.

And we resume watching American Idol.

And if that is not a tale of fear and romance I don't know what is.

There is no terror greater then a man watching his woman run out of hormone replacement therapy.

And, just forget the dangly earrings (or arms), forget the sleek black dress, forget a full head of masculine hair gleaming in the firelight. There is nothing romantic about those things at all.

Romance is a guy who is willing to step away from his meat platter, get dressed, drive to the pharmacy and spend 20 minutes trying to figure out his wife's progesterone cream dispenser.

Awwwww....

Sigh...

Which reminds me. Did you enter the Lisa Leonard necklace giveaway. That is another serious "awwwwww".

post signature



52 comments:

Parsley said...

While funny as told, it's a little frustrating, right? So..at least we can learn from you in a light hearted fashion should we ever need the advice.

Jeanie said...

That is indeed true romance. I'd say you are a lucky woman.

Imperfect Stepford Wife said...

Sweet.. I love reading stories about love and romance.

Personalized Sketches and Sentiments said...

tooooo funny...but wouldl I have expected otherwise?
Awww, for sure :o)

keep the romance fires burning :o)

Blessings & Aloha!

Dee said...

LOL. LOL. LOL. True love.

Too Many Hats said...

Wow, I just had a glimpse of my future and I am very scared. Maybe they will have some miracle once a year pill by then - fingers crossed.

Debbie said...

Jenny I enjoyed that story so very much! My hubby is a pharmacist, keep that in mind when you have an emergency question!!~ I am glad you have your cream!!~

Freely Living Life said...

Hilarious!! Nothing says romance like American Idol and hormone replacement therapy! LoL. :P

Kass said...

Yes, oh yes, this is the height of romance. You two are MY Idols!

Julie Harward said...

Oh dang girl...you are funny! I can so relate since I am on all that stuff too. But...in 2 weeks I am having a hysterectomy so no more progesterone for me, just estrogene and lots of it please! You are a good writer and I enjoyed this alot..thanks! :D (I am going to follow, even though you already have so many and am adding you to my blog list...friends!) :D

Pondside said...

Thanks so much for the laugh! For a few minutes I thought 'this woman has stolen my life!' but then I remembered that my nightie is white, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I agree that there is nothing more romantic than a husband who will dress at the ungodly hour of 8 and head out to a pharmacy in his beloved's hour of need.

Tolentreasures said...

Hilarious. Stepping away from the meat would be a true test of our relationship.

Cathy

Justine said...

Oh my goodness, what a tale! But I am some kind of deranged, because progesterone and cream, did NOT lead me to your WRIST. So here I sat, saying to myself, "Oh my, is she going to step away from her 'G' rated blog for a moment?"

Nope, ya didn't and it was sweet as hell.

Justine :o )

Deb said...

oh Jenny your husband is definately a keeper...what a guy...so glad everything worked out...would hate to be writing you in prison...

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

Hmmmmmmm... Around these parts, we call such a pharmacy, a compounding pharmacy. We are one.

^_^


^_^


^_^

The Muse said...

5 gold stars for effort!
and an Oscar for best performance :)

Love...there is nothing like it !
So glad that you two have that very special bond :)

Cindy (Letters From Midlife) said...

Thank you for the smile you brought to my day as I read this! I hope you both slept well.

Jackie said...

hahahaha lol OOOOh what a night! That is romance alright!

Rural Revival said...

That is definitely the epitome of romance.

I absolutely love your sense of humour!

~Andrea~

Jojo said...

Figuring out the applicator sounded far more exciting than Am. Idol. What an exciting date you are !!

Jocelyn said...

Oh My Gosh..I am on the floor laughing....laughing until my tummy hurts....sounds like something hubby and I would do!!!!

This is the best POST!!! I ADORE YOU!!!

Velvet Over Steel said...

I liked what you wrote on Jana's blog and followed you over. and now I love this story!! I'll be back soon! Have a great weekend!
Hugs,
Coreen

Andrea said...

Jenny, you have got me laughing! Glad to hear you figured out the mystery! What a catch you've got there!

Pam D said...

Hahahaha! Wait, when did you step into my life? Really? About the only differences are that I have a big black mutt instead of a weiner dog (WHY does that sound obscene?) and my flannel has snowflakes on it. Other than that.. Bobbsey twins. *sigh* I not only have become my mother, I've become my grandma, and it really isn't funny at all.

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, how could you think that your "happy dance" was clumsy and dumb?!? How? You couldn't be unkind, even if you tried, don't you know that? Good grief, you must have sweetness and fun and joy and glorious kidding so imbeded in your DNA that... Well, that you couldn't ever sound clumsy or dumb or etc.

Now you go wash your keyboard off with soap, for ever typing such a thing in my comments. I KNOW you care, Dear. I know. You are always sweet to me.

Yes, I got kind of P _ _ _ ed Off, as anyone can see, reading me today. But I got PO'ed at people whom I've tried to be kind to, in Blog Land. And who couldn't leave even a tiny "Hooray" at what to me, was big news. Hurt and kinda' mad.

All of which adds up to my being way too thin skinned and silly and all those things I know I am... Too much of the time.

And I usually follow such, with a "Big I'm Sorry" post. But dang it, I'm not gonna' this time. We all get the right to sound silly, once in a while. [Well, more than once in a while for me but... ,-)]

Good grief! Here I went and hi-jacked your comments, with my long speeeeeeeeeeeeeeel. Duhhh me. I'll quietly slip away now. >,-)

Hugs to you, Sweet Gal!

Terri and Bob said...

Ohhh.... so that is what is wrong with me. Thanks for the explanation. I'll talk to the docs.

Drama Queen said...

I see Brad and Angelina playing the two of you in a movie - it's got "Oscar" all over it! :) I'm just not sure if it would be classified as a comedy or a romance... :)

Kelly@TearingUpHouses said...

this is my favorite post of yours EVER. too funny. and absolutely romantic!

kelly

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Wow! Now THAT'S love, Ladies and Gentlemen!! I LOVE this story, Jenny! Thanks so much for sharing it! So glad you were able to maneuver the bottle and get your must needed hormones!!

Why do they desing bottles like this? Do middle aged women like us really need child proof caps? Really?

Your husband, for the record, completely ROCKS!!

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

We really could be friends, so could our husbands:) I hope I don't ever have to use the stuff, who needs one more thing to worry about.

Linda said...

Jenny I am dying here!!! I had a bottle I could not get open for the life of me and I was ready to punch a hole in the side of the plastic to make my own dispenser! Lucky it opened as by magic. Not sure what happened but I didn't put the top back on just in case. Hormones are a most important marriage tool!!!!

Jen said...

I love this story and can "see" you two frantically trying to get this can to work! And, as a woman, yes, the correct balance of hormones are very important. :) What a great hubby to run out to the pharmacy with your hormone cream. :)

VictoriaS said...

Jenny,
You can make any situation bearable!
Can you come and live here!
love ya always,
Victoria

The Insatiable Host said...

Hey there!!! I am just dropping in from SITS to welcome you! I think you are gonna love what they have to offer and really, who doesn't love new friends!?!

Nothin says love like a pharmacy, progesterone and a 911 call! lol great to meet you!

All the best,

Danon

Brenda said...

You've definitely got yourself a keeper there!
I love me a good Romance, thanks for the laughs! B=)

beyondbaffled said...

You do have a sweet husband!

Connie said...

I've never seen anything like that dispenser! My HRT comes in pill form and I've figure that one out!
You're right about the romance being conscious of each other and going the extra mile when needed.

My name is PJ. said...

I've heard plenty about men not being able to locate the button, but women.......

ahem......

seriously?


;)

Theresa said...

"Lordy Mercy" as my Mama used to say:) Jenny Matlock, you had me cackling this Sunday Morning! This was my favorite post, FUNNY! It was sweet of that fella to get dressed and get out of the house to help you with your cream! What-a-guy! Love it, have a blessed day and yes I did enter the giveaway:)

Aunt lodi said...

Steve is the man. Yes I entered the giveaway and came here to look see if I won. LOL

Meg said...

In true romance, there's never a dull moment! Sounds like you have a great romance going! :-)

Bits-n-Pieces said...

That man is definitely a keeper!!

Jana said...

girl this is but isnt funny you know? I love that you can have a sense of humor, and that your husband is oh so sweet. I have to email you.

amelia said...

Loved this post!! Like you, I can't live without the stuff!!

SweetMelissa said...

Now that was a more exciting Friday night than I've had in a long time. I'm jealous. I think.

Missy=JunkFest

Cassie said...

Oh my this was a good one.I could relate on more than one level here. Romance does seem to take new forms as we get older doesn't it?! Thanks again for the laugh. I'm signing on as a follower, okay?

Cassie said...

Oh my this was a good one.I could relate on more than one level here. Romance does seem to take new forms as we get older doesn't it?! Thanks again for the laugh. I'm signing on as a follower, okay?

Melinda Cornish said...

aww, sweet romance and a tragedy averted. It is like a post menopausal Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending...I loved it, I laughed and cried....

Connie said...

Loved this post so much that I posted about it on my blog including a link to you.

After 36 years of marriage I could really relate to the Friday night romantic episode.

Holly said...

Oh yeah baby that is romance...I see my future. Good hubby!

Lynn said...

Wow. This is perhaps the finest blog post I have ever read. Ever. And it sounds like your hubby is a real keeper :) Such romance. Sigh.

Maria Delgado said...

LOL. I loved reading this!