No...not that I'm a chicken.
You learned that I don't always know the best time to say no.
And mean it.
And stand by it.
The reason I even found out about the estheticians school is because my neighbor, Holly, went there. She is one of those permanent make up artists that tattoo on eyebrows, eyeliner and other things onto your face which are too painful to contemplate.
For a long time whenever I would see Holly she would always end up squinching up her eyes at me and saying stuff like "come over...I'll give you a discount on permanent eyeliner" or some such silly idea.
And I would also say no.
But finally she caught me on a particularly vulnerable day after a boyscout tried to help me cross the street AND I got my first letter in the mailbox from AARP.
So when I saw cute little Holly the next time and she perkily said "now is the time to work on anti-aging, you should come over" I started kissing her hands and saying "please, please, please...save me!"
The first visit to her in-home studio was for a facial. Nothing too dramatic. But it made my skin feel good and my husband actually kept remarking on how he could see a big difference.
The second visit, ditto.
The third visit, Holly enquired whether I wanted to treat the deep lines on my face more aggressively.
"No botox!" I yelled!
And she agreed.
And then she started telling me about a method of breaking down the collagen in the deep wrinkles with something called "needling."
"Will it hurt?" I asked warily.
"Nope, not a bit, because I will numb your skin."
"And can you tell with one treatment?" I asked warily.
"Definitely. You will be shocked at the improvement when your face heals."
She says, "your face will have a few red marks in the deep lines that will disappear quickly leaving those wrinkles substantially diminished."
She reassured me again that it wouldn't hurt...so I said, "sure, let's do it."
I should have known something was up when she started practically running around the room getting things ready and humming and babbling.
The next thing I know she has some kind of topical lotion on my face and after a few minutes everything is totally numb.
Come to think of it that would really be the time to get your eyebrows waxed because...
Focus, Jenny, focus.
OK...ummm.... needling, numb face...ummm.... oh, yea...
So she tells me she is going to take these teeny weeny needles and put teeny weeny little pokes on both sides of the entire length of the wrinkle.
Hmmm.... this isn't sounding good.
She starts but I can't really feel anything. She still seems oddly excited. I ask her why?
"Oh," she says, "it's so weird but no-one will ever let me do this to them!"
At one point she mutters, "hmmm.... there is quite a bit of blood there..." but she reassures me when I look at her all worried.
And then I ask, "ummm...what is this gonna look like until it heals." Nothing like leaving the question a bit late, right?
She says, "oh not bad...it will look like a cat lightly scratched you in a few places on your face."
So, she finished up and is all pleased with herself.
I get up off the table and see myself in the big mirror on the wall. Acccckkkk! Light cat scratches? WHAT????
Why didn't I stop this? Why didn't I head those warning bells in my head!
I start stuttering "h-h-how long is this g-going to take to h-heal? This is going to sc-scare my Granddaughters! This is going to scare my h-h-h-usband!"
She calmly says, "it will just take a few days to heal but you know you can't put make-up on it or anything?" Then she hands me some salve and a little half-sheet of instructions.
I am getting freaked out. I want to cry but I'm afraid to get any salt water in my light cat scratches.
I walk across our adjoining front yards. I try to hide from a car that is passing by.
I walk into my husbands office and he is on the phone. He looks up, does a double take and smiles at me.
I sit in the chair and I wait and when he finally hangs up he says "You got me there for a second...is that red sharpie going to come off?"
I start crying and say, "no, I got needled to make the wrinkles less deep and, and, and...sob...."
And he says, "why did you do that?"
And I wail, "I don't knowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!"
So I hand him the little sheet of instructions because I am crying and he reads it and says, "OK, no make-up for a week, no sun for a week, no washing with soap for a week, if any sign of infection..."
I interrupt him to run dramatically out of his office and into the bathroom.
I turn the bright lights on in there and just gasp. This is awful.
What have I done.
And the numbing stuff is wearing off and it really hurts. I call Holly. She says it will sting and hurt but only for 24 hours. OK, good to know.
I no longer like Holly. I no longer like me because I am a moron.
And now I no longer just look old...I now look like an old woman that has been attacked by a deranged mountain lion.
After 24 hours it started looking a little better... but, OH, did it itch.
The next two days showed even more improvement... ...and after one week the red was almost all gone AND the wrinkles were substantially less deep... A few weeks go by and I run into Holly and she immediately turns my face into the sunlight and says "oh, that worked so good...let's schedule the second treatment."
And I tell her I'll call her.
But I don't.
And I'm not going to.
Because at some point I think I am just going to let my face get old.
And I will accept the aging thing gracefully.
And I will accept all the aging as the story of where I've been...
OK, honestly, I lied.
I'm sorry but I am shallow. And weak. And I don't know how say no to people that promise they can make me look 50 again!
So although I won't do the needle thing again (light cat scratches my hind end!) I made an appointment at the school tomorrow for something called RF!
And apparently it doesn't mess up your face with scratches, hot wax or other mutilations.
And apparently it can help with turkey neck. Not that you probably have that. But you might have seen it and turkey neck ain't pretty. Not even on a turkey.
So apparently they just use this nice little wand thing that heats your skin up to 103 degrees which stimulates the collagen which tightens up the skin and makes the turkey neck less turkey neck-like.
I may chicken out unless eliminating turkey-neck trumps fear!
It would be nice to forget about being related several generations back to the Butterball turkey...so yea. I think I'm gonna do it.
But if I see any needles or hot wax I am soooo out of there!
I'll let you know how it goes!
PS Did you remember to enter the Lisa Leonard giveaway from my Friday post?
PPS Did me writing "gobble, gobble" remind you of Thanksgiving? If so, you might want to read my Gobble, Gobble post! It's a strange little post. And, my, aren't you surprised by that?