Monday, March 21, 2011

OK, so...ummm...this post might not be PG...

...but it's kinda/sorta funny.

Please don't read it out loud to your kids.

And please don't read it yourself if certain three and seven letter words offend you.

So...

Ahem...

On Friday, Mr. Jenny decided he needed to run up to Las Vegas on Sunday for a few quick, casual business meetings. He asked me if I would go shopping with him on Saturday to get some new jeans and a shirt.

Luckily for my husband, I've been watching a few 'What Not to Wear' reruns lately AND ironically Clinton Kelly did a wardrobe makeover on a guy on one of them.


Boy oh boy! Saturday morning I was excited.

I waited until we were were at the clothing store to spring the good news on Mr. Jenny. I told him, "This is really your lucky day. I was watching 'What not to Wear' this past week and Clinton re-did a guys wardrobe who also had a little ummm.... tummy.... so we can give the tips a try. Hooray!"


Mr. Jenny looked a little scared and I swear I heard him start to hyperventilate.

I reassured him. "Don't be afraid, sweetie! This is gonna be fun!"

I hunted. I gathered. I bullied Mr. Jenny into trying on clothes he would never wear and we were both surprised. Clinton's tips actually worked.

On the show Clinton had said to wear shirts that hit just a few inches below your ... ummm... tummy ...that were not too tight and not too loose...and how men should wear a little 'pop' of color under their shirts close to their face as further distraction from the ummm... tummy... and how you should always wear a t-shirt under shirts to minimize lumpiness from your ... ummm... tummy...I'm not sure if I made up some of these 'rules' or remembered them clearly, but either way it seemed to work out...

So...

We were both really happy with the whole shirt part of the experiment, however, partway through the try-on process, Mr. Jenny said, "You know, I don't really like how wide these jeans are in the thigh. Can you see if you can find a slightly narrower pair."

So I left the dressing room and went up to the early-20's clerk to ask for help.

"I'm trying to find some jeans for my husband that are a little snugger in the thigh," I said.

She tapped her long, black lacquered nail against her weird orange lipstick and asked me, "Snugger? Ummm...hmmm...well...like...so...ummm...do you want to show off his ass or his package?"

Huh?

I said, "Huh? Excuse me?"

So she enquired again. "I said...ummm...like...do you want to show off his ass or his package?"

I hesitated and then finally answered, "Ummm...neither...I think. I'm really just looking for some jeans that aren't quite so baggy."

"So...what's this for? What does he want the jeans for?"

I said he wanted them for a casual business meeting.

She tapped her finger. She thought. "Where's the meeting at?" she then enquired.

Huh? Why in the world would that matter?

I asked her, "Huh? Why does that matter?"

"Well, girl, you know how men are...are they're gonna be...like...ummm...any ladies around?"

Okay. It dawned on me that this particular clerk might have gotten brain damage from that weird orange hazmat lipstick AND I realized my husband was probably getting annoyed standing in the dressing room in his underwear waiting for me.

I made an executive decision. I said, "Yeah, so...I think I want them to show off his ass...okay?"

She tapped her black fingernail again. "Ya know, I don't think I can help ya with that," and walked away.

What? WHAT?

Shaking my head, I went back to the dressing room and told my husband, "It's those jeans or no jeans...just try them back on, OK?"

He did.

I looked carefully at his ass. I looked carefully at his package. I'm not sure that the jeans really showed off either, which is just fine with me. We're old. We're fat. We're tired. We don't need to be showing off no asses or packages to the world...you know?

But wait...

There's a little bit more to this very strange story.

On the way home I told Mr. Jenny I was going to run into Target and get some socks to go with his outfit.

He told me, "First of all, men don't wear 'outfits'. Second of all, I have socks."

I told him that Clinton called 'outfits' outfits and that he definitely needed new socks!

Mr. Jenny rudely told me that Clinton was obviously crazy. (Please don't tell Clinton this. I don't want to hurt his feelings.)

I then enquired quite sweetly what athletes wear...like the clothes that baseball and football players wear that match. "Aren't those outfits?"

Mr. Jenny got a little bit red in the face, "They wear sports gear. It's not called sports 'outfits'. Okay, look, here's a Target. You can run in and get some socks if it will make you feel better. I'm just going to wait in the car."

If I was a suspicious person I would have thought he was just trying to shut me up for a few minutes, you know? But he probably wasn't.

He waited in the car and I ran in! And when I got to the sock section I got really excited becausethe socks I found matched his outfit perfectly.

After we got home, I got the new clothes all ironed and ready for his trip, I laid out the shirts and socks to show him.

He was not impressed.

"Where are the 'real' socks?" he asked.

I told him, 'These are the real socks! Look how perfectly they match!"



"Really? Really? You bought me polka dotted socks?" He didn't seem very appreciative of my efforts.

Seriously. Look at the picture, though. See how the black and blue go together?

Mr. Jenny looked pretty annoyed. He did the whole straight line thing with his mouth and squinched up his eyes and everything. Talk about ungrateful.

"Yeah, but here's the thing," I told him, "Clinton says socks that accent your outfit really show off your ass AND make your package look bigger!"

Okay. That was just a lie. Clinton didn't say anything about socks, asses or packages on the show I watched.

But...

With that food for thought, I just walked away leaving my husband staring after me like a deer in the headlights.

A look possibly similar to the one you have on your face right now after having wasted a minute or so reading this post.

I'm sorry.

I thought it was funny.

I thought it would make you smile.

And it did.

Right?

Right????

Okay...ummm... never mind then...

Sigh...

post signature

79 comments:

Jackie said...

lol :D <---me laughing thanks for the chuckles and now I am heading straight to bed .

June Freaking Cleaver said...

You know he loved the socks. What guy (even the old, tired, fat ones) doesn't want to highlight his 'assets'?

Thanks for my first laugh of the day!

Kat said...

You can always make me laugh, and this made me howl! I LOVE Clinton, and if he says to wear polka dotted socks, by golly DH is going to be wearing polka dotted socks! But that clerk? Seriously? I would have been rolling if she had asked me which I wanted to show off. Thanks for the giggle to start my day. Kat

Deborah said...

LOL ... it certainly did! :o)

Joanne Lendaro said...

Yep...got a couple of giggles out of me on this Monday A.M.....thanks for starting my week on a funny one!!

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

All I bought this weekend was potatoes and chicken wings!!! So not blog worthy, thanks for the chuckle:@)

Paula ~ castleandcottagesigns said...

Oh snap that's funny!! Mike's upstairs dressing for work right now~ think I'm gonna go check his socks....make sure they don't show off his ass OR his package!! lol:)

Wanderer said...

Oh, Jenny!!!! I don't know who Clinton is (We don't have cable)but this was so funny! I'm laughing out loud and my daughter peeked around the corner to ask what was so funny. When she saw I was blogging she just said, "Oh...never mind!" Thanks for a Monday morning hoot!

Sue said...

Hysterical. I can just see it all :)
xo
Sue

Susannah said...

Loved it! :-)...and those socks are PERFECT for that 'outfit'!

Wanda..... said...

I am convinced...you need your own 'makeover' TV show! But, did Mr. Jenny wear the socks?

La said...

Hi Jenny!

After that comment, I'll bet Mr. Jenny enthusiastically wore those socks and they added a little pep to his step.

Happy Monday! La

JDaniel4's Mom said...

My husband is so like Mr.Jenny. He wouldn't like the socks if they weren't black or white.

Diane said...

Hi-Larious! The clerk with orange lipstick asking if you wanted to show off his ass or his package? Priceless. Absolutely priceless. Thanks for the laugh this Monday morning! :D

Jeanie said...

I'll be watching for the headlines about the man who rocked the fashion scene in Las Vegas and how he has his wife to thank.

Jeanie said...

I'll be watching for the headlines about the man who rocked the fashion scene in Las Vegas and how he has his wife to thank.

ImagiMeri said...

Hey Girlfriend,

I'm sure Steve is now a "Fashion God" in his snazzy new outfit. Please post a picture of this newest male model, sans the "ASS"ets........I have promised to only ogle my own husband.

Hope all goes well tomorrow sweetie.

Love ya'
Meri

Theresa said...

Well, I think you did an awesome job on the OUTFIT:) AND YES you made me laugh with the dressing room, the girl with the hazmat lipstick and your honey standing in the dressing room while you discuss is ass and package with that nut:) HAHAHAHAHA

Enjoy your day, HUGS!

J. Kwiatkowski-Schuler said...

It's nice that he even lets you go shopping with him. My husband doesn't appreciate my input. So I don't say anything, if he wants to go around looking like that, whatevs!

Ames said...

My God it made me laugh! You two are so hilariuos together! Kind of reminds me of the two of us!That store clerk was a ditz!
You're a hoot Jenny!~Ames

cj Schlottman said...

Jenny,

This is so funny, I can't stand myself! ...orange hazmat lipstick..." really got me. Poor Mr. Jenny! He's lucky to have you and Clinton on his side, ensuring the safe and tasteful display of his ass and his package. LOL. Not to mention the perfect pain of socks! I have to leave now because I'm about to wet my pants.

From cj with love and laughs...

Wanda Metcalf said...

Giggles~ Don't you love when you get to play dress up with your man so funny... really messes with there heads!! I just had to send this along to my daughter and daughter in law. My husband will wear polka dot socks but says they are to match pants not shirts.

Orange hazmat lips!! Oh this was best thanks for setting us up for a GREAT week!! =0 D

Mumsy, Chancy and Co. said...

Oh, sweet Jenny I am sorry this post did not make me smile...I was laughing out loud by the time I reached the end. What a shopping trip you had. I watch Clinton now and then but there would be a big scene in the store if I ever took hubby on a shopping trip like yours. Did Mr. Jenny wear his polka dot socks? Hugs

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

I can't stop laughing long enough to type. Don't you wonder how some of these young people even get jobs? Remember how we used to dress up to interview, even if it was to be a waitress at a dive? Remember how we were taught to show respect to our elders?

I'm still stuck back there on "running to Vegas for a casual business meeting...in jeans"! What does Mr. Jenny do? It certainly sounds a lot more fun than my husband's job!

Linda @ A La Carte said...

I swear Jenny, the two of you could have a comedy show! This was the best laugh of my day. I have a big ole smile on my face now and I'm off to create an 'outfit' for Mr ALC that accents his 'package' and or 'ass'! hugs, Linda

Poetic Justice said...

Haha! I love this Jenny. I'm all about not being PG but we won't go there! I really enjoyed the outfit and the socks are fab!

I also love the show. Their banter makes me giggle, they are like a brother and sister on a road trip!

Lucy (aka rharper) said...

Too funny. I'll try all those tips next time on . . . oh wait a minute. I only have a 'he' cat. Maybe that might not work.

Allie said...

giggling ... I am so glad I know Mr. Jenny ..... still giggling ....

Pondside said...

You've done it again Jenny - had me laughing out loud before breakfast and making The Great Dane look over my shoulder. Of course when he saw the non-PG words he asked 'What are you reading?!'...'just fashion advice for men' I replied.
Now he's worried.
PS Great outfit!

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

To show off his ass or his package... LOL!!!!!!!! Oh to be young again, hu? LOL!!!!!

Gentle hugs, and ♥...

"Alone again.... naturally!" said...

Thanks for the giggles this morning Jenny, it was much needed!

Lisa H. said...

Keep it up Mrs. Jenny. My hubby finally got addicted to 'outfits' and now comes home from SHOPPING FOR HIS OWN. Who'd a thunk it?

Donnie said...

Too funny. I don't think he's going to let you take him shopping again.

Willoughby said...

Oh, Jenny, that was hysterical! I can't believe the sales girl asked you that! Too funny!

Sue said...

Oh boy, did I need a good laugh today!

Thanks, Jenny.

=D

Marlene said...

Oh, you do make me laugh, girl!!! LOVE those polka dot socks, for the record!

Amy said...

Jenny - folks in the office are wondering why I just spit water all over my monitor. You can't say "package" ever EVER again my friend!! I can't take!! ahhahahaha

Lorrie said...

Oh my, here I am laughing. I can just imagine the scene with the store clerk! One question, is Mr. Jenny wearing the socks?

Judie said...

OMG! That clerk! What was she thinking? You know, maybe you only THOUGHT she was a clerk. Mwahahahaha!

Nezzy said...

Heeehehehe, I may never shop for Farm Boy the same again!!!!

Thanks!

God bless ya sweetie and have a terrific day! :o)

Jennifer said...

That was hilarious. You just brightened my Monday with your ridiculousness. :D

00dozo said...

Oh, goodness! And here I thought you were going to drop the "f"-bomb ("fat") - not that it's a bad word or anything.
;-)

If it's any consolation, most guys would might think it impressive that Mr. Jenny has the cojones to wear those socks!

Ms. A said...

Right!!! Thanks.

Jessica B said...

LOL -- that was great! I'd be willing to bet he chose to bring the socks. Am I right??

Jo said...

oh I bet he is going to want to wear those socks allllll of the time now .... right???? Love the sales clerk ... and her walking away ... imagine ... her generation will one day rule the world .... scary thought eh???

Nick Thomas said...

No problem. I'm only offended by certain 8, 11, 13 and 16 letter words.

CollectIn Texas Gal said...

Ummmmm....hilarious!!! Ummmmmm...you didn't mention new underwear for the ummmmm...ass and package! I bet Target has some to match the socks....probably the thong style...that'd really put a straight line on his mouth and squinced up everything!

Rocky Mountain Woman said...

This one really hit home..I have that same conversation with my boyfriend every once in a while when the clothes he has completely fall apart and he just has nothing else to wear...


We're old, fat and tired also, if it makes you feel any better!!!

xxoo,

RMW

Brenda said...

Tell him to suck it up and wear them. My husband will not even go try on cloths. I have to go pick them out and hope they fit him. So he knows whatever I bring home he is wearing. And he has had polka dots on his socks. Just saying... Thanks for the laugh Jenny!

gayle said...

Oh you did make me laugh and smile!!!! Now tell me did he wear the sock? :)

taylorsoutback said...

We don't typically run into that situation at the Casual Men's Big & Tall. LOL!!!! What a great story - absolutely hysterical.....

Cynthia Lloréns said...

That was hilarious. You just brightened my week with your post!!!
I would like to thank you for visiting my blog..and this made ​​me very happy and also by his words.
Heartfelt thanks!!!!.
A big hug from your Brazilian friend.
Cynthia
PS.My blog now is in english version to all my new friends!!!
.

Honey at 2805 said...

Although he may have resisted the socks, bet when he thought about the ass and package part, he wore them. It's all in the gear. Funny story, Jenny!

NatureGirl said...

It made me laugh my tukas off! Tell Mr.Jenny that we think he will look real snappy in that outfit!

Arkansas Patti said...

Yep, I'm smiling big time and I think you are a genius. What man could resist making his package and ass look great.
Curious if that sales lady would have grilled him with the same questions and what his reaction would have been.

Vicki aka Jake said...

HAHAHA, Asses and Packages! When it comes to guys, some thing NEVER change, no matter how aged and chunky:) This story was a hoot....

SweetMelissa said...

Good one! I'm sure he's looking DAPPER!

The Words Crafter said...

OH my GOSH I can't stop laughing!!!!

And I call them outfits, too. My husband rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Sadly, he is the one with fashion sense, not me. I'm always asking his advice. I've never been good at colors. shhhh, don't tell anyone!

Bonnie said...

Oh Jenny, this is soooooooo funny. That girl sounds crazy! I used to have a friend who was very girly and artsy. She had 3 boys! She called their sports uniforms "costumes". Just cracked my up!!

I would have loved to see Mr. Jenny's face when you said that!

Bonnie said...

I meant to say cracked "me" up, not my up :)

5thsister said...

Oh Jenny, Jenny! Thank you for perking me up at the end of a very long day! Now Mr. Sister is a socks aficionado and would have snapped up those socks! Unfortunately, he probably would pair them with one of his work out t-shirts and his pair of jeans (with a discreetly placed hole that if you looked hard enough you can maybe make out his package!)

Country Dreaming said...

Not only did it make me smile--I'm still laughing and can't wait to show Mr. Ken this one!!!
Way tooo funny.
Did Mr. Jenny wear is OUTFIT????
:):):)

Melinda

Not So Simply Single said...

I love that blog...I watch "What not to wear" because I do makeovers for a part time job. Men are the best to make over. They need more help than most. I think Stacy and Clinton do a great job. I love the way both of them dress. (can't decide if he is gay or not....thinking gay)

Keep up the good work... I choose ass.

Lisa

Amy said...

Bwahahaha! I was trying to figure out what word was three letters and what word was seven letters. You are so funny. Did he concede with the socks?

Barbara Rosenzweig said...

A riot! Thanks for the laughs!

Also, thanks for the A+. Haven't seen that in quite a while!
Barb

Sweet Bee Cottage said...

So funny! I laughed my package off. No wait - I don't have a package. Still - it would have fallen off. I guarantee it.

Stef said...

The bigger question is, did he buy it or not? The whole socks making you more of a man? I thought it looked great!

Pearl said...

O.M.G.! I laughed my a-s off! This was hysterical, thanks for the laughter. Hugs, Pearl

Tracy said...

Jenny this was brilliant. Have to confess it took me a while to get past cute photo .

KathyB. said...

I am laughing, a lot! Thanks. I think I might try this out on my husband , soon.

Ⓙ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

HILARIOUS! Maybe the concept would be easier if you fashioned matching 'Garanimal' type tags to the individual pieces....so he could understand the concept of an 'outfit'....

....or you could call it an 'ensemble' and really freak him out.

Deborah McGrath said...

Oh, Jenny that's so funny. They really just never truly appreciate our efforts do they.

You will have to post a pic of him in his aaaah, outfit???

Cheers
Deb x

LeadingMama said...

Loved it! Thanks for the laugh. And if you delivered that last line without cracking up laughing, you are a comedic goddess. I would have laughed my butt off telling Leading Man that the socks would show off his ass and package! ;-)

H said...

Oh yes! It made me smile a lot. In fact, it made me positively chuckle! Thank you :D

Val said...

Oh how I needed this post this morning. LOL. Thank you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my gosh....you are the best!!!
I am calling the networks...you need your own show!

JeanHasBeenShopping said...

Not only did it make me smile, it made me laugh!!!!
I'd love to go shopping with you in Vegas! For the hubbies or for us, no matter.

Su-sieee! Mac said...

Too funny! I love husband-wife stories like these. So, did he wear the socks?

Patty said...

Oh, my goodness. I have tears running down my face. What a hoot! I tried to share it with my husband, but he wasn't getting his giggles on like I was. Men really are all the same! LOL!!