Friday, January 7, 2011

Quick! Can I borrow your industrial size fog machine?


I wouldn't ask but it's really, really important.

On Saturday we have some friends coming to visit from Ohio.

I knew they were coming for a few months now.

I had planned to...

Lose 50 pounds
Get some hair extensions
Get some skin re-surfaced
Get lipo-suction

...

You know...so I wouldn't look so old and haggard and they would say "OMG! Look at you! You haven't aged a bit!"

And then, in my spare time, I was going to...

Get all the furniture cleaned
Organize all my cupboards just in case they actually opened one
Wash all the windows
Hire an interior decorator

...

You know...so when they said, "OMG! Look at you! How do you have time to keep things so perfect?" I would just shrug my skinny little shoulders and say, "Oh, it's nothing really."

Instead...

I haven't done a darn thing except dust the guest bedroom and buy a jumbo pack of toilet paper.

I am, however, planning to make Mr. Jenny cook pizzas in our wood-fired oven AND give them a do-it-yourself s'mores buffet around the fire-pit.



They're gonna like the food.

I just really, really need to borrow your industrial size fog machine so I can camoflauge me and my messy house!


It's a good plan, right?

I think it will work. My first idea was just to throw sand in their eyes to temporarily blind them, but I thought that might be a little bit mean...so I'm stickin' with the fog machine idea instead.

And listen...

If you let me borrow yours, you can stay for pizza! And make a s'more or two.

Let me know pretty quick, though, if you're not willing to share.

I need to have time to get a bag of play sand for Plan B, if the fog machine idea isn't gonna happen.

Sigh...

post signature

45 comments:

Terra said...

LMAO, really jenny - none of it can be anything short of wonderful (you included) - just relax and have fun - that will shine through even without the fog machine

vivian said...

lol! I so know that feeling well! well we are what we are! I bet they do live or look perfectly either! (though it seems so many look like they do doesnt it?) If I had a fog machine Id send it your way!
Enjoy your company anyways! with your great sense of humor, I'm sure there will be lots of laughs.
have a great weekend
vivian

Julienne said...

Sorry our fog machine has been going non-stop for the last three days so can't lend it to you but never fear my pet just coat the house in dry ice it has the same effect!!!!!!!
Do I get to share the pizza for the suggestion?!!!!!

Theresa said...

Well, I don't have a fog machine to share BUT you could hire someone to go streaking thru to distract them or some tap-dancing kids:) Hope you get it figured out! Have a blessed day, HUGS!

Sumi said...

Giggle.Oh why do you stay so far away!Wish you were around here and I could drop in everyday to hear your wisecracks.Really need people with some sense of humour in my life.

J. Kwiatkowski said...

All you have to do is laugh and smile, and everyone will feel good. Or talk like Julia Childs, everyone loves Julia Childs.

Theresa said...

O Jen - I wish I had one to lend you! In the meantime, serve lots of alcohol...works great for you and your guests:)

Kat said...

Dust the guest room and buy a jumbo pack to toilet paper. Jenny, you crack me up. That's usually about as far as I get with preparing for guests. Wish I had a fog machine you could borrow. Have you checked Craigslist? Seriously, any time spent with you would be a treat, even in a cardboard box down by the river :) Kat

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

dim the lights - tell them they are new "GREEN" bulbs. Pour a stiff drink or four. IT will be fine. If not kick 'em out and I'll stop by with my cleaning lady, green bulbs and liquor. :-)

La Petite Gallery said...

Oh Jenny,
I got my tree out it's in the drive way and The house now is another thing. Plus closet's and loads of paper work for TAXES..
I know where you are coming from.
Wish I could crawl back in bed with my ole dog.

yvonne
ps come be a follower I will too

Jocelyn said...

Oh my sweet friend you made me giggle this morning and it was much needed!!!

I can so related....can I ask a favor please....can I use the Fog machine next!!!!!

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5thsister said...

Ooooh! That's an idea...unfortunately my guests would trip over the clutter hidden by the fog.

How about hiring one of those clean up crews I've seen on "Hoarders"? They come all spiffy in their hazmat gear. And they're fast too. They wouldn't be able to partake in pizza, though as you can't eat a thing with that headgear and mask over your face. You can send their serving to me, however. Your welcome.

mub said...

Oh pfft! They'll be too busy wolfing down the pizza and enjoying your company to notice!

Amy said...

Your home is lovely. Can I come back? Joan is lovely too! I hope y'all have a great visit. Please tell her I said Hello!

Mama Zen said...

In such situations, I force everyone to socialize by candlelight.

Jeanie said...

As long as the food is good and there is plenty of toilet paper everything will be fine. Enjoy!

Jo said...

actually if you just throw a little translucent glitter in their eyes, they will see a fabulously divine home that glitters and shines in every square inch! see, told ya yesterday ... glitter can do anything ... its magic!
Have fun with your guests Jenny!

Bossy Betty said...

You give me a pizza and I see nothing else. Your plan will work!

Amy said...

Mmmmm, fire oven pizza. Mmmmm. S'mores bar. Mmmmm, warm enough to eat outside. Can I come too? It seems someone in this valley has a fog machine that has been on overload for the past couple of days, flooding the valley with fog. So, here's the plan. I will kife their machine (thus giving my beautiful valley clean air again) and take it to you, but only if you share. The pizza and warmth, I mean.

P.S. Those lemons are probably the best lemons I have ever had in my life! I really need to move to AZ so I can have citrus trees as well. Thank you thank you thank you!

La said...

You are too funny, Jenny.

I was having a Poor Me Moment but then I read this and now I am feeling much better.

You are a treasure, my friend....and I'm from OH-IO!

Sue said...

Now, you know I would do almost anything for you, Jenny, but my IFM runs full time around here. I've got crows feet and cobwebs to spare, which means that I just can't spare that fog-makin' magic.

Hopefully, one of your younger and neater readers will come through for you, because scratching your guests' corneas is probably going to make them surly.

And surly house guests are the pits.

;)

The Quintessential Magpie said...

I'll be right over with it, Jenny. S'mores was the magic word!

XO,

Sheila :-)

Mumsy said...

Oh, sweet Jenny, you are just too funny! I doubt seriously your house is messy in any way...but even if it were after you bring out the pizza and the makings for those s'mores your guests are going to care less about anything else...you are good to go my friend. Hugs

NanE said...

ROFLOL, Jenny, you had me laughing the whole way through this post! If I had company coming, I would mysteriously leave town, that's how bad my house is! I know you will have a wonderful weekend and I bet you don't need the sand! HeHe, Nan

Country Dreaming said...

Love it!! But I'm fresh out of a fog machine, sorry. You could turn down the lights and just use candles for atmosphere. :)

Melinda

Brenda said...

You certainly can put a smile on my face Jenny! Have a great weekend and hope you enjoy your company!

H said...

Just accept it all as it is and have a great time!

Jennifer said...

gah! i want to eat all of those yummy thiiiiiiings!!!

Judie said...

Just wear that outfit you bought that makes you look 10 libs lighter instantly. Or you could be your sweet, charming self, with the sparkling eyes and the delightful smile. If that's not enough for 'um, don't invite 'um back!!!

Judie said...

Just wear that outfit you bought that makes you look 10 libs lighter instantly. Or you could be your sweet, charming self, with the sparkling eyes and the delightful smile. If that's not enough for 'um, don't invite 'um back!!!

Unprocessed1 said...

In case you happen to find two fog machines...my sisters come on Thursday. But, I'm sure I'll be down to 125 pounds by then, don't you think?

Pat Tillett said...

Seriously, they are going to be so in love with that pizza, they aren't going to notice or care about anything else. That's how I'm feeling and all I saw was a photo of it!

Pat Tillett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ames said...

Wahahahahaha! If you need to buy a jumbo pack of toilet paper you might want to buy a couple of plungers. Sounds like the old plumbing is fixin' to go into overtime. Ummm maybe make fabric coordinated plunger covers for them. Keep the lights low....real low and wear black everyday. It's very slimming ya know. Hey, better yet, rent a two bedroom furnished apartment for the month and tell them your house is being tented. :D ~Ames

You crack me up!

PERMANENT POSIES said...

Girl.....that is so me! I had my cousins over for dinner the other night and we couldn't eat at either table because they were both filled with Christmas decorations that hadn't made it into boxes yet. But, in my defense, I had a stomach virus the two days prior and I did not invite them....they called me and said they were in town. Does that count? I fed them well though....I needed a fog machine myself. I will rent it and bring it if hubby will cook me some of those awesome looking pizzas!

Holly said...

I am going to have to imagine that the hostessing and the food and the sheer entertainment you can provide would be be so grand that no one would notice a thing other than that...just in case I will send you some fog in a jar.

Rinkly Rimes said...

Pity! I have seven or eight smoke machines lying idle in my back-yard but it would cost too much to send them from Australia!

Gattina said...

I would suggest to smoke ! Let them all smoke or if you have an open fire ( or your oven before the pizzas) use wet wood, that works for sure ! On top everybody would cry.
I never clean before visitors come (only the toilet, there they have time to look in the corners) I clean when they are gone !

Cheryl said...

It's taken me a lifetime to realize folks are coming to see me not my house. Okay, I admit those who've never seen it DO come to see the house too. They get one shot at a clean house. After that? Faggetaboutit!

Sorry Miss Mo broke her elbow. Ouch and how the heck did she manage that, the little vampire?

I love the looks of those cake balls but they look kinda messy. I'm all about eating clean.

S'MORES ROCK!

Deb said...

LOL

myorii said...

You are too funny, Jenny!

Sorry, we don't own a fog machine but if you ever find one, can I borrow it for when my in-laws come and visit?

Bonnie said...

Oh you are too too funny!! I love the way you write... always make me laugh. You are awesome just the way you are!

shafeena said...

hmmm.. makes me think.. maybe i will make pizza today :D

Pondside said...

Jenny, I don't know how I missed this post!
I hope I'm not too late to help. Could you go for a temporary power outage? It sounds like you've got the food covered, and won't need electricity to cook dinner, so a little candle light would work to take the edge off things - you know, everything and everyone looks better by candlelight.
Good luck!

Jacqueline said...

Aahh a woman after my own heart! We have a wood fired pizza oven too. As soon as I saw the photo I had to take another look as it looked really familiar with the coals in the background. They will never see past the pizza oven, believe me!