Friday, August 5, 2011

I want to be a Food Network Star...

...I do.

Oh, I don't want to cook on TV or anything ridiculous like that.

I just want the make-up and hair artists...

And not every day, really.

Just once in a while...

When I want to get all dolled up...

And hide my tired, old face.

A few days ago, I saw this TV show about Paula Deen.

It was pretty astonishing.

She came to the studio all bare-faced and haggard...

And as I was watching it, I realized I have a lot in common with her.

1. We are both...ummm... fluffy...with roundish faces...

2. We both have flat, thin hair...

3. We both have bags under our eyes...

4. We both have no eyelashes...

5. We both love butter (probably part of the reason for #1)

6. We are both married to sea captains and...

ummm...okay...scratch number 6. That is just a big, fat lie but you have to admit it would be cool, right? You could go around calling people 'land lubbers' and shout, 'ahoy there, matey,' whenever the spirit moved you.

Anyway...

So Paula kinda/sorta looked like me in the mornings...

BUT...

...after a bunch of people did their magic, she looked younger and brighter and thinner and just way better, ya'll.


And, yeah, I know I should appreciate all bags and sags as a badge of honor for surviving my life (or some such bumper sticker sentiment)...

And, yeah, I know I could just diet and exercise and get a skinny face and get a hair and eyelash transplant and do some plastic surgery under my eyes (but, seriously, how much fun would THAT be?)...

So...

I'm was just thinking it would be cool.

Once in awhile.

And then maybe I could get Mr. Jenny to dress up as a Sea Captain and take me out to Long John Silvers...


...or something.

Just sayin', you land lubbers.

And, no, I really don't think the heat has gotten to me...

I always have deep thoughts like this...

And I know you appreciate it when I share them.

...

...

You're welcome.

post signature

42 comments:

sissie said...

Well Jenny you ain't askin for much!
I wouldn't mind havin a stylist work on me every now and then, more now than every!LOL!

I married a UPS man, do you think that counts. A sea captain would be nice though but I wonder if he always smells fishy.

hugs
Sissie

sissie said...

Well Jenny you ain't askin for much!
I wouldn't mind havin a stylist work on me every now and then, more now than every!LOL!

I married a UPS man, do you think that counts. A sea captain would be nice though but I wonder if he always smells fishy.

hugs
Sissie

PⒿ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

Hmmmmm...me thinks "Sea Captain" is a loose term, encompassing captaining everything from a sunfish sailboat to an ocean liner.

Buy Steve some plastic boats to float in the bathtub, pull a hat with a very large brim down over your eyes and play pretend!

Don't I come up with some great ideas??!!

Susannah said...

LOL - I always love your writing Jenny, you really have the knack for making me smile. Thank you for that. x

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I want a picture of Mr. Jenny in his costume!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I wanna know what show this was....I would love to see her "before". I do love Paula Deen.

I don't want to be a food network star because I love eating far more than cooking. I just want my own "team" of professionals to dress me and do hair and makeup each day. I think that would be wonderful.

Let me know how to get that will ya!

5thsister said...

You'll always be a star in my book! I think you are beautiful just as you are.

What is it about men in uniform? :o)

ImagiMeri said...

Damn,.......you aren't a food network star???? You've had me goin' for quite some time missy. As a matter of fact, now that you show the picture......I see the resemblance. Why you and Paula could just about be twins, although personally I think you're the prettier twin.

Hugs, and love,
Meri

MommaHen said...

haha! You crack me up :D

Jo said...

You my friend are a "rock star",thanks for the laughs.
And BTW, I can realte to all the above except the "sea captain" part,teeheheh,my Mrneverlazy is a RAILROADN' MAN!..toot-toot.
~Jo

Mid-Atlantic Martha said...

huuuummmmm, now if Mr. Mid-Atlantic's pontoon boat qualifies him as a "sea Captain" -- I've got them ALL covered! LOL.

Jo said...

Oh no "teacher"I spelled relate wrong in my previous post,will I get a bad mark?bahahahahaha
~Jo

Wanda..... said...

Don't forget all the 'air-brushed' photos you would have of yourself, if you were a 'food network star'.

Theresa said...

Well I had lunch at Paula Deen's place in Savannah and left there a little fluffier:) WHO can make collard greens taste as good as her? NOBODY! We just are what we are and are we ever beautiful? YEP... we are:) HUGS!

Dayle said...

Actually, they film Paula's show in her own Georgia home. I think they even wake her up on occasion. LOL! I always thought how nice it would be to have make-up people and hair people and clothes people. Nice to dream, I suppose.

Debbie said...

This is too funny! I think I want to be a food network star too. I just don't want to look like Paula Deen. Can I look like whatshername with the blonde hair and gracious bosom instead? I mean, if we're picking and all...

Pondside said...

I don't think I've ever seen Paula Deene, but if she's all of those things in a before shot, then her makeup artists are miracle workers!
Of course, I live up here where the fine drizzle and fog ensure that I have a peaches and cream complexion, a luxuriant head of hair and sparkling eyes all the time.
Right.
More like prune-like wrinkles from all the damp, a little mold, limp hair and lines around the eyes from squinting through the fog.

Ames said...

I think all those fumes from scrubbing the deck, matey, have gone to your head!~ Heh heh heh.

I just love it when those talk show host show us how it really is. Even Oprah, OMG before the make-up people get a hold of her, is just like the rest of us plain Jane house wifey's.

Sooh, I am with ya on the time and effort it takes to walk around looking be-u-ti-ful. Some days it's all I can do to get out the the pj's.

Hey, Wal-Mart and Walgreens sell false eye lashes....I dare ya to buy some and wear them all day. If ya do, will you share what you look like in them? heh heh heh. :D~Ames

Barbara F. said...

Jenny, this was hilarious! I often wish I could hire a stylist, too, I always tell the woman who cuts my hair that if I ever won a lottery, she would have a steady job each morning styling my hair! Paula really "cleans up" well, though :)
xo

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

Jenny, you have definitely given me my first laugh of the day. What a great post. I feel like I should go spruce up a bit now though, since I usually go around looking like the "before" all day long. I surely would love someone to come in and give me a do-over daily but, I'm too lazy to do it myself. I guess it's lucky I don't have a cooking show to do. Well, come to think of it, that's not the only reason it's good I don't have a cooking show. My man isn't a sea captain either, but he does wear a lot of "uniforms", i.e. T-shirts which he gets for free from plasterer conventions which say things on them like, "Solid As A Rock". Don't know about you, but that gives my heart a little flutter. Sorry about not inserting any paragraphs here teacher. I thought it would take up less room on your blog. Have a happy day and thanks for sharing your deep thoughts!

Leslie Morgan said...

I love how Paula's eyes always look like someone just poked her in the bottom with a fork. Her accent makes me want to poke her in the bottom with a fork. But I do get the sentiment, Jenny. I want to look that good, happy and perky in 1/2 hour increments. No sea captain for me, please.

Madge said...

I want to be a food network star too, the hair and makeup would be cool, but I just want to cook and have a crew of people scrub my kitchen when I'm done, and I want to open the oven and have what I'm cooking already made and ready to eat. That would be AWESOME!!
Basically, I just want the entire magic of television in my kitchen.

Jo said...

Actually, I just want to have a food network star at my beck and call ... forget cooking when you could have someone do it all for you and look good at the same time ... i'm sure dont look good when i cook ...

auntie12 said...

I read an article once, about how Paula Dean gets "gussied up." :-)

I remember how they put talcum powder on her scalp, to *hide* bald-ish spots. I loved it.

My hair is kinda pewter color. So baby powder wouldn't work. But I have some gray eye shadow, and I poke my finger in it, and apply it to my very-bald-ish-spot on the top back of my head!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes!

Not every day!

But sometimes....

But yes, we NEED a couple of those make-up-magic people in our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

summersundays-jw said...

I think you'd be a great comedian -- you always make me laugh. I also think there's been a little photoshopping going on with Paula's picture. Have a great weekend! Jan

Ms. A said...

I agree! (and a wardrobe department, too)

Judie said...

Actually, in that photo she looks like one of the Stepford Wives! I am home and ready for SC!!!

Rocky Mountain Woman said...

Jenny, you are perfect just the way you are sweetie!

xxoo,

RMW

Andy said...

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny...I think the heat has definitely gone to your head!

My wife makes me laugh, because she's always pointing out all the nose jobs, boob jobs, who's had plastic surgery wherever, who's teeth are porcelain, who's got botox lips or some other nonsense.

Makeup artists & stylists will always have jobs because people are constantly looking for perfection where none exists and they can make even the ugliest person look like a swan. Remove the phony masks of perfection and those so-called beauties are ordinary people just like you and me.

Embrace who you are. All your little imperfections make you unique. We are beautiful in the eyes of those that love us.

Thanks for the laughs though!

Dazee Dreamer said...

it would be nice to have someone fuss over you. I just want someone to come over and cook for me. and clean up the mess. and make things I've never tried. I don't want much either.

noexcuses said...

You, Paula and I have much in common. I'll bet if we had a sleepover, we'd think we were looking in mirrors the next morning!

A Sea Captain...I love a man in any uniform (except for a prison uniform). I think Mr. Jenny should oblige you immediately!

I was very lucky in my short-lived acting career (30 years ago) when I was in a commercial for a local grocery chain. I had my hair and make-up done (for free) and they even asked if they could pluck a few of my eyebrows. They decided not to after five minutes of my shrieking!

I love this post, Miss Jenny!

Wombat Central said...

I would totally watch your show. Even if you were hawking comforters on QVC.

Wouldn't it be loverly to have someone make us perty every day? :)

Linda @ A La Carte said...

Jenny I agree! I don't want to cook but I do want someone to make me look fabulous! Oh just once in awhile would even do it! Sigh....I think the heat HAS gotten to me!

Linda

upinthecosmos said...

LOL, you are too funny but Paula looks a little psychotic in that picture!

Betty (picture circa 1951) said...

I was about to tell you that my uncle was a captain on a tanker, my cousin is a captain on a tugboat, my great grandfather went to sea on a sailing ship, my grandfather was a chief engineer on a ship, my father went to sea as an assistant engineer...I thought we had a lot in common when I read that your husband was a sea captain. Then I read the next line.

You look fine just the way you are! You're just feeling a little wilted from the heat, but in a few months it will cool off and everything will be fine again.

Keri said...

You can be Paula Dean if I can be Giada DiLaurentis! LOL

Gattina said...

We are like houses, we need some refurbishment from time to time.

bj said...

O, Jenny...just how hot IS it there where you are? lol
Paula has the money to have whatever done that she wants done. The rest of us just have to age gracefully, accept it and go on with our great lives.:)
Gosh, I sure would love to have a stylist standing by, tho. T'would be so nice.:))

LeadingMama said...

Oh, Captain, my Captain. This would be FAB-U-LOUS. I wanna be a food network star, too. Except I don't want to be famous for my fluffiness. Just sayin'.

Flat Creek Farm said...

Why yes, I always appreciate you, Jenny. You always make me smile :) Thank you for being you. And I'll just be me.. that is, unless you find out how to get 'hair and makeup' to come visit me too. Then we'll both go out on the town all dolled up, Paula D style ;) Fun! -Tammy

Busy Bee Suz said...

I just love Paula Deen.
and sea captains. :)
xo

Sue said...

Couldn't we just get new bodies?
And faces?

(Or have our old ones returned to us??)

;)