I know you're busy with Christmas, but could you please run by Home Depot...

...and buy me a 2 x 4?

...and then, if you could spare just a teensy moment more could you whack me alongside of the head with it?

I'd really appreciate it.

Why?

Because I am an idiot.

Several months ago my daughter-in-law and I went to K-mart and put stuff in layaway.

I haven't attempted layaway in about 138 years but it seemed like a good idea because a) my granddaughters wouldn't find everything and b) my husband would have less sticker shock if the payments were spaced out.

OK, here's the problem with doing layaway at my age.

Actually that should be PROBLEMS!

First of all who the heck can remember what they got? Sure I had a 17 1/2" long receipt but that would be too much work to read it and try and remember.

Second of all because of the first reason I pretty much went out and bought all the stuff I put in layway anyway.

And third of all, there is this major reason... Oh yea. Big time.

Every single time I've tried going in there the line looks pretty much like this. Only no-one is smiling. And there are a lot more kids with runny noses in line.

So I tried asking the girl at the service desk when would be the best time to come. And she replied "oh between 3:00 pm and 3:01 1/2 pm but only on days that start with the letter T" or some such nonsense.

So I've been waiting and stewing over the whole depressing K-mart layaway fiasco.

Until this morning.

I woke up around 6 and I said to my husband "that's it! I'm going to go to K-mart as soon as they open and get my layaway stuff." He was oddly unimpressed by my brilliant idea. And less impressed still when I turned on the light.

Obviously he did not read our marriage contract rules that state quite clearly "If my wife is awake I will immediately awaken and do her bidding."

When I called K-mart I said "what time do you open?" and the cranky lady said "we open at 6 am" and I said "so are there people in line for layaway" and she said "honey, there isn't even anybody in the entire store."

Yee haw!

I threw on some clothes, threw in my contacts and headed for the big K.

Although I didn't see any blue lights flashing during my mad dash back to the layaway department I actually didn't see anyone else either. Maybe two employees.

And all the chairs and benches lining the hallway leading up the layaway counter were empty. The layaway girl was reading a magazine!

And I got my layaway in something like 15 minutes.

And since they have to check off each item against the receipt I made piles of stuff to return because I had already bought something like it. Or because with several items I actually thought "who the heck did I even buy that for?"

I returned more then I kept.

And then bought the stuff I thought I had bought the first time.

Hmmm...

Are you confused now?

No matter.

Just take my advice here.

When you go by Home Depot to pick up the 2 x 4 DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN LAYAWAY.

It is just not worth the suffering.

Sigh.