Friday, January 6, 2012

You can't change the past...

No matter how much your mind wants to.

Heaven knows, we try, but sometimes an event occurs that shakes you to your shoes anyway…

And it is so bad…so very bad that you must lay it to rest as a secret of your heart.

You bury it deep and cover it with shovelsful of denial and boulders of self-protection.

You pretend really, really hard that you have no memories of it.




But sometimes in the most vulnerable hours when you are suspended between sleep and wakefulness you find yourself giving voice to the secret.

When the whispered words fill the safe silence of your bedroom, the emotions pour over you with such intensity that they bruise you to your very soul.

You gasp in astonishment that the pain of so many years ago can feel so new.

But you carefully tuck the emotions away again.

For these things are too ugly to speak of. Too ugly to be believed.

We struggle alone. And in silence.

And in our silence we own the ugliness.

Even if we didn’t cause it. Didn’t ask for it to happen.

And we say, “OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod…why?why?why?why did this happen to me?OhGodOhGod…”

But we say it in quietly.

We are, after all, survivors.

We know how to keep a stiff upper lip…

…because…

…so many have it so much worse than we do.

Who are we to cry for ourselves when the world today needs all our tears?




William Shakespeare said, “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”

Keep your secrets at your peril.

Even if you don’t voice them to the world… voice them to yourself.

Stand in your shower and scream them out.

Blast the volume in your car and let the ugliness pour out.

Then roll down the windows so the poison can escape.

And forgive yourself.




And while we can never regain our innocence and trust of the world…

…we can regain a tiny bit of what was lost…

…a tiny bit of who we were before the secret began.

Keep your secrets at the peril of your heart, my friends.

Wishing you peace and self forgiveness on the dawn of the New Year.


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42 comments:

Lynnie said...

Funny how I haven't visited your site in so long and now here this post is. I want to forgive, and I think I have, but then something creeps in, and that "trust and innocence"....WOW...I want it to come back. This post just felt like a prayer of peace just for me. Thank you for sharing!

Paula ~ castleandcottagesigns said...

An awesome post Jenny...you speak straight to my heart and I'm grateful. Forgive oneself...a great new's resolution!

Wanderer said...

It's strange that as much as I want to let things go...to forgive...and I think I have...as long as things go well. But all it takes is another incident and the pain is just as fresh as the first time. My hurt and anger flare and I second guess myself. Did I forgive or is it survival? Self preservation? I don't know.
Thanks for the reminder to let it out.
Have a good weekend. (J)

sissie said...

Hi Jenny,
I am reading your post and it has evoked so many strong feelings. As one poster said it is like a prayer. Thanks for sharing this.

hugs
sissie

vivian said...

very deep post that I'm sure many can relate too.. everyone has something that haunts them... I'm pretty sure. I have lots of things that do!! lol!
all kidding aside, I really loved what you had to say here.
and now... TGIF!!!!!
xoxo
vivian

JDaniel4's Mom said...

This so beautiful. Each word has found a place to work in my heart.

J. Kwiatkowski-Schuler said...

If only we could stay innocent and wise...

Julienne said...

Amazing!!!!

Terra said...

This Miss Jenny speaks volumes. Loud and clear and beautiful.

Gail said...

Wise one, you have given me the words I needed.

Beautiful words with a priceless message...thank you.

upinthecosmos said...

Great post, this one speaks to me in many ways.... as I'm sure it does to others. I am one though that always feels like my problems are always small in comparison to others. I push through & move on but they are there, to come up & haunt when I least expect it. It makes me stinger, teachings me how to cope & makes me appreciate the good things in life so I try not to dwell to much & just learn from it all:-)

Theresa said...

Big Hugs dear Jenny! All of us have those secrets, some bigger than others! I pray that sharing will help:) HUGS and prayers!

Judie said...

Them's some mighty strong words there, Miss Jenny. I'm thinkin' it's about time for a little gatherin' of some like spirits!!

PeggyR said...

This is totally awesome and really what I needed to read. Though it was a rough year, I think putting Patches down alone was the hardest thing I've ever done. God gave us Brandy to help ease my pain and she has helped me a lot. Thank you for posting this!

Viki said...

Oh wow, powerful, emotional, wonderfully written Jenny.

Slamdunk said...

Fantastic post Jenny, and words that need to be heard.

I had not heard the Shakespeare quote either. Excellent.

Karen S. said...

Sometimes, like this post, when I read your words, I think you've been inside my soul....and you are reporting first hand...I too, can relate so well, word after word...my joy comes after moments just like you wrote, and yes it can keep a person awake at night....or lost in thought that the person next to you in the produce department could knock me over....but then joy walks in,...I escaped all that....and rose above it all....

Nezzy said...

Oh how this post shouts to my heart. Truly, we all do have those secret voices that bubble up at the most unexpected moments.

Ya just gotta toss 'em out the window and let your joy shine again don't ya???

This was the best sweetie! Great writin'!!!

God bless you sweet friend and have a marvelous weekend!!! :o)

BlackLOG said...

This is where having the memory of a goldfish helps, once round the bowl and you’ve already forgotten any issues....

Where was I going with this ???

who are you???

where am I???

Pondside said...

The silent and spoken affirmation of friends and loved ones can help.
We believe. We understand. We love you.
Nothing, however, can take the place of our own forgiving - of ourselves and/or of the one(s) who caused the terrible hurt.
We're human Jenny. I'm sending you a big hug, a hand at your shoulder and a silent reminder that you are who you are now - a loving mother, grandmother, wife and friend...and that you are giving a strong and loving example to those little girls.

"Alone again.... naturally!" said...

Wise words from a wise lady. Hugs.

Linda @ A La Carte said...

Oh Jenny I need this post so much. it is like a prayer. I have pain and hurt and anger but I need to forgive myself and let the person I've grown into be at peace with the person I once was. I pray the same for you my dear friend. Sending you much love, Linda

Linda @ A La Carte said...

Oh Jenny I need this post so much. it is like a prayer. I have pain and hurt and anger but I need to forgive myself and let the person I've grown into be at peace with the person I once was. I pray the same for you my dear friend. Sending you much love, Linda

Evalinn said...

That´s beautifully told Jenny, thank you for those words!

Amin said...

Hello! Interesting blog...Thank You very much for visit...I am folowing Your blog...

CherylK said...

This is such a thought-provoking post, Jenny. It's wise and gently written. Bless you.

Sue said...

I think you may have changed a few lives with this one, Jenny. I sure hope so.

Wonderful, wise words.

=)

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I was loving this, amazed and transported by the strength and beauty of the words. And then, still in a poetic and mesmerizing way, you added some practical advice: shout out your truths, let the poison out, forgive yourself. I am going to bookmark this for future reference.

It's All Connected said...

When I was younger, I thought some people lived charmed lives. As I became older and learned to listen, I realized everyone has something that causes them pain. Some cover it with veneer and some with cement but it is there none the less. It's okay to expose it to the sunlight once in a while so it can't fester in the dark. ~ Maureen

Country Dreaming said...

I think I might actually be speachless. I don't know whatto
say except we all have SOMETHING to deal with and we deal with it the best we can.
Blessings to you my friend!

Melinda

Ms. A said...

I know many people that could benefit from these words, including myself and "myself" has always been the hardest for me to forgive.

Beautiful post, Jenny.

Rocky Mountain Woman said...

There was a period in my life where every single time I went somewhere in my truck, I cried. On the way to work, on the way home from work, on the way to the grocery, etc., etc. I think that I felt like I had to be strong for my kids and didn't want my coworkers to worry about me, so it was the only place I felt alone enough to cry....

wow..awesome post sweetie...

xxoo,

RMW

Ames said...

My secret is of my own doing. But I love the suggestion of screaming it out in the car and rolling the window down to let it out! That would feel good!~Ames

anitamombanita said...

Wow! That WAS deep. Interesting, though, that the hubs and I were reading together this morning, which oddly prompted a long conversation about collective but very different hurts of the past that we had experienced. It was one of the best and most unifying conversations we've had in a while...and very cathartic. Happy (truly) new year to you also!

Sandy said...

Jenny, I need to print your words and put them up on the fridge.. it did something to me and as each and everyone of us, I have a secret and have done just as you wrote! Wow!
Great writing!
sandy

taylorsoutback said...

If only we could somehow write down the secrets on paper, slip them inside a balloon, inflate it, tie a string to close off the opening and then let it go off into the sky, never to be seen again and to finally be at peace...

Sending a hug across the miles.

Anita said...

I'm going to repeat what some of he others have said - deep. I actually read it twice. Couldn't help but wonder what your inspiration was when writing it; but then, it wouldn't be a secret, would it?

I assume that self-forgiveness has already taken place. Thank you for reminding the rest of us to do the same, and what to do when "it" rears its ugly head.

Skeletons in the closet - ugh!

Jo said...

wow ... that was intense and honest and raw my friend ... brilliantly written and brave brave brave. The human existance is not always an easy one ... pain, sorrow, loneliness, and secrets are all part of the human condition, forgiveness is the lesson ... and just as every other living organism in this world, we grow ... not just physically but mentally & spiritually as well ... sending you love and hugs ~ Jo

Beth said...

Thank you!

Jennifer Gleason said...

This was wonderful. Thank you, Jenny.

Vicki/Jake said...

You do know you just hugged me, right? Ya, you know....xoxoxox

Cheryl said...

Sometimes I don't even know what the secret is that wakes me screaming at nothing and everything. Some secrets buried deeply for so long seem to take forever to safely surface.